When the Crack Heads Come Out to Play: Danger Lurking in My Neighborhood

Part Two

A continuation from Part One. 

A couple days after that incident, I saw the guy again at the Subway in my neighborhood which is about three miles away from Downtown. Part of me had difficulty fathoming how he managed to get all the way to my neck of the woods, but to be honest, three miles is not a long journey to trek especially when you live in such an urban city.

Anyway, I didn't realize he was there until I heard a woman's voice yell,

"You've been sitting there staring at me this whole time. Stop fucking staring at me or I'll call the fucking police."

I look over and there was that guy again in the same olive green t-shirt and filthy pajama pants. His face was unmistakable. Sandy brown hair, unkempt mustache, and large, transfixed blue eyes. There was not denying the fact that he was staring this woman down, and just watching the situation made me uncomfortable. Part of me wondered if he was going to recognize me, but then I decided to not waste my sanity trying to decipher the mind of a mad man.

He said to the woman,

"You work for the state hospital. Why did you let your brother molest that nine-year-old?"

The woman's reaction was a combination of being infuriated and downright flabbergasted. She tried to get the manager, a middle-aged, frail-looking Korean lady, to kick him out. Of course the manager was not going to know how to handle the situation. So she tried to give him some cookies so that he would leave. When the manager's cookie plan didn't work, I was utterly shocked.

It seemed fool proof to me. I mean, when he was trying to mug me in Downtown, the one thought that ran through my mind was, "Damnit, I forgot to bring my cookies so I could ward off this crackhead! Gotta remember for next time."

I was getting annoyed above all else of the situation in Subway. So, I paid for my food and left. As was leaving, I noticed that the scumbag had shifted his attention and was now staring at me. Apparently he recognized me from the incident in Downtown.

I knew it was only a matter of time before I was going to see him again.

Now he not only knows where I work; he also knows where I live. 

An Unpleasant Reflection

"A picture is worth more than a blank page. Take out those dusty photo albums. Pick out photo #14. Count however way you like, but make sure you stop at photo #14. Look at the photo for 2-3 minutes, write all the feelings that photograph made you feel. Don't censor yourself. Just write."

I was eighteen in this picture. It was the summer before college started, and I was suffering from what I thought was a broken heart. Later on in my freshman year of college, I came to realize what a broken heart really felt like, and all of that pain made this moment seem like child's play. But I wasn't there yet. At this moment, I had just graduated high school, and the boy I was dating snubbed me for a girl whose pants came off a lot more easily than mine did. I thought it was me. Maybe I was supposed to dumb myself down and slut myself up in order to fit in with this society. It was important that I proved myself to this guy that I could be fun too. I went to all of the coolest nightclubs (as cool as any 18+ club could have been anyway), and danced with as many random guys as I could to prove to this one guy that I was desirable. Simultaneously, I was using these nights out to prove to myself that I was good enough. For what? I didn't know. I still don't know. It wasn't long before I started to take a step back and ask myself, "What the heck am I doing with myself? Why am I doing this? Am I really lowering myself to fit the obviously low standards of a sleazy guy who couldn't care less about me?" This picture was the morning after one of my nights out, and I remember thinking to myself, "This is not who I am. None of this makes me happy. This is getting ridiculous, and it needs to stop before I become any more ridiculous." I have always had a hard time respecting those who failed to respect themselves, and in that moment, I definitely had a very hard time finding a way to respect myself. My image was all wrong. I didn't know who I was at the time, but I knew that I didn't want to be the girl who futilely chased a boy around just to prove that she was worth it. I knew I was worth it to someone who was worthy of me. I knew that I was better than the person I was trying to paint myself to be. I left the club scene after this. Don't get me wrong, I still like to go out from time to time to have a good time with my friends. I am not, in any way, against the bar or club scene. The difference today, however, is that I go out for my own fulfillment of being in the company of great friends. I dress appropriately and drink accordingly. I have tossed out the trashy tactics of minimal clothing and maximum makeup, and adopted a level of class that involves indulging in moderation, and enjoying life to its fullest extent. This picture is a reminder of the day that I pulled myself out of a mess before it became a disaster. What I felt in this picture was shame. What I feel now looking back, is pride. I'm proud of myself for realizing that I am better than what my insecurities fooled me into thinking I was. This was one of the lower points in my life, but I am thankful for those low points, because they motivate me to constantly strive to become a better person today than I was yesterday.

Overcoming Sexism at Work

Today at work, I asked a man if he needed help.

He looked at me and replied, "No thank you, I'm actually waiting for someone who would be a little bit more knowledgeable. I have a lot of questions, and I would like to get the right information."

Then, as if to ease the load of rudeness he just threw at me, he added, "But you're very beautiful though, so that makes it ok."

Makes WHAT ok???

I just looked at him with this expression and thought running through my mind:

When he asked me if I minded, I responded curtly, "Nope, it's fine. You can wait as long as you want for someone who is more knowledgeable than I am."

He responded, "Thank you; love your hair by the way."

You see, because I'm a woman, I shouldn't care about being well-informed in my area of work. No. Instead, my primary concern should be about how my hair looks to people I could not care less about. I should tell my boss to give me a raise for the aesthetic quality of my hair.

And yes, the man was bald.

Sick at Sea

In all honesty, I have questioned the purpose of this blog in the past few weeks. I've been living in Hawai'i for over a year now, and I have become pretty acclimated to my new lifestyle. I've often wondered, since I'm not moving to Portland, is there anything to even talk about anymore?

Turns out, yes. There is.

I woke up at around four or five this morning. I don't know what time it was, all I know was that it was dark, windy, and humid. The palm trees outside my apartment were making an absurd amount of noise as the leaves slapped against my window. I woke up drenched in my own sweat and tears. My thoughts lately have been geared toward the peace and quite of my parents' suburban home in Orange County, California. It's weird calling it that, "my parents' home", because it really isn't my place anymore. My expensive apartment in the heart of this noisy tropical city is my humble abode now. It has been my home for this entire year. Wow. Weird.

Anyway, I don't know how long I stayed up crying, but I went back to sleep when the trucks came down my street to repave the roads. It was the sound of clashing metal and churning cement that was able to lull me to sleep.

This was not the first time I woke up in a nearly depressed state of homesickness. My dilemma is the fact that I won't even be able to take time off to go home for Christmas due to my company's holiday blackout policy. By the time employees are able to request time off again, Spring semester will be in full swing.

I don't know if I can go another year without seeing my family and friends.

A Decade of an Identity Crisis

One time, when I was twelve, I called my friend's house and her brother answered. When he told her a friend was on the phone for her, she asked him, "Who is it?" He responded, "I don't know, some white girl."

And so began my identity crisis.

Flash forward ten years, and I find myself sitting in my 18th Century Literature class. The girl next to me asked me where I am from, and I told her, "I'm from Southern California." She responded, "Oh, I thought so, because very few asians can achieve the 'local look', and you have really achieved that look. Now I know it's because you're from Southern California, and that's like the only place where I could see that happening."

I got a B+ in that class. 

My perfect GPA may have been ruined, but hey, I've achieved the "local look". What have you done with your life?

Speaking of school, fall semester starts tomorrow. I'm really going to give UH a full chance this time around. I hope I can come to love the school as much as I love living in Hawaii. As of Thursday, August 16th, I have officially made it one full year of living in Hawaii. I think it's definitely time for me to make a trip back home. 

I miss my dog way too much.

And my friends and family of course...but they have opposable thumbs which allow them to dial my number or Skype with me whenever we wish. My dog, on the other hand, does not have that blessing. I miss that guy.

Right Where I Left Off

Two months ago I booked a one-way flight to Portland, Oregon. My boyfriend and I got accepted to the University of Oregon, and we were excited to begin our new lives as Ducks. Within these last two months, there has been a whirlwind of emotions about whether or not I even wanted to move anymore. The stress of the move was extremely overwhelming to say the very least, and it even landed me a trip to Urgent Care.

My friends were all very worried about me, and they tried to offer me advice to help in any way they were able to. My boyfriend, having to already carry his own burden of stress, was at his wit's end trying to figure out what to do to save me from the emotional and physical strain that I was in. My mom wrote me countless emails and called me constantly, begging me to "just come home" to her. She wanted me to let her take care of me. My boyfriend wanted me to let him in, and my friends wanted me to take their advice to heart. I think there was a point where I found myself in a fetal position on my bedroom floor not knowing what to do with myself because I am so steadfast on keeping everyone out, and the fact that everyone in my life was trying to find a way in simply knocked the wind out of me. That was why I made the decision to just move and figure it all out once I got to Portland.

My flight to Portland left at 8:00 a.m. this morning, and on it I was not.

There are many reasons that played into my decision to stay in Hawaii. The main one is being that my life was just starting to pick up here. School has been going really well aside from that one B+ that ruined my perfect 4.0 GPA (I'm just now starting to get over it), and also I was recently promoted at my job. If I transferred my job to Oregon, I would have had to go back to my previous position with no benefits at all. Not ideal. Also, I was lucky enough to build a strong network of friends and coworkers, and I did not want to have to start again from square one in yet another place where I don't know a single soul aside from my boyfriend. Speaking of the boyfriend, yes he is staying with me. The debate over whether or not we should stay was not easy on our relationship, because there was a possibility that we might have had to split up. In the end, we realized that the two of us have come too far after almost two years of being together to even think about leaving each other just for a new school when we are already in a good school already.

I know that this isn't much of a change now that I am not moving back across the Pacific Ocean. To many, it may seem like an anticlimactic end to a long series of stress and turmoil, but to me, I am very excited about continuing my life here in Hawaii. I have been looking at everything with such sadness, not knowing when I will ever be able to see it again. Now, I even feel excited when I see the Ala Moana Shopping Center, knowing that I still get to shop at such an awesome mall! Also, I am happy to still be able to swim with turtles and eat the best pineapples in the world.

This is my city. This is my paradise.

Taken from my hike to the top of Diamond Head.

Oh, the little things...

Wading in the Water

You know that feeling of hesitance mixed with a hint of fear when you decide to first test out the water at the beach? The sun feels great on your skin just like it does every other day, and you're already very comfortable on the sand, but you want more. You dip your toes into the water only to find that it is shockingly cold, and in the midst of your shock and horror, you look up to find that even the waves look pretty intimidating too. So, you decide to stand far up on the sand, allowing the water to splash over your feet (if it manages to reach you). You're pretty content with sticking to what makes you comfortable, and you're not in any rush to change that.

That's how I was about a year ago with the culture shock I received when I moved here to Hawai'i. 

In the beginning, I was very adamant about holding on to my Californian identity. I was hesitant to make friends, because I knew I would leave them one day, and I don't do well with goodbyes. The city was overwhelming, and the people intimidated me. It was all so new to me, and I was worried that I would forget where I came from; so I tried to distance myself as much as possible from everyone and everything. I made a couple of friends in the beginning who tried to introduce me to the culture out here, but it felt like I was always standing back on the sand, not really wanting the culture to wash over me. Some of them managed to reach me, but when that happened, I just stepped a little further back. It's not that I refused to get acquainted, it was simply that I was not ready to let go of where I came from, but I was still curious enough to experience the place in low doses. 

In January, I became so homesick for what I was familiar with, that I made the decision to move back to the mainland and transfer to a school up north. It was this decision to move that has kept me from this blog lately, because I have finally decided to dive into the island culture before I have to leave it indefinitely.

When your friends are all in the water, laughing and taking on the waves, you can see that they are having a great time, and you can't help but realize how foolish you look standing there at the edge of the water, hugging yourself in fear of getting wet. You've already made the decision to go to the beach; so you suck it up, and dive completely into the water. The shock of the cold water washes over you, and turns into a rush of adrenaline when you realize that you actually did it; you're still alive, and you can't believe you didn't do this sooner. 

When I realized that I only had two months left here in Hawai'i, I tried to take in as much as I could before I have to leave here. I have made a good amount of great friends who have been so wonderful and generous to me, and have been the closest thing to a family that I have out here in a place where I didn't know a single person to start out with. I love it here. I'm happy here, and I can't believe I didn't allow myself to live this life sooner.

It's ironic how I finally have a life going for myself out here, and I realize that I have to leave in two weeks.

It's like when you are in the water, and it's time to go home. You don't want to get back out of the water, because the temperature of the air is now foreign to you, and you know that it's going to be cold. Plus, you just got in, and you want a little more time to enjoy the experience. I don't want to get out of the water. I have acclimated to the unknown, and I am comfortable. I don't want to leave, but I know I have to eventually. I know this move is going to be hard. I know I'm going to be sad for awhile when I'm back on the mainland, but what can I do? I already made the decision to move. I need to suck it up, and go.

If Tears are Strength, I'm Exhausted

I am, quite possibly, the most ungrateful person who has ever walked the face of this earth.

I was pretty upset about being called in to work all effing day, that I didn't appreciate anything that happened today. Then, a little seven-year-old girl who is the daughter of one of my customers made her dad go buy me a box of chocolates so that she could hand it to me and say, "Happy Valentine's Day!"

I put the little girl to the back of my head, and went about my day at work. It wasn't until I came home and realized that I was so busy spending the day being ungrateful, I forgot to be sweet to my boyfriend. I forgot about being how grateful that I am with such an awesome and wonderfully sweet man. I actually made him feel sad because of the way I was acting. It was then that I remembered this girl who took the time and went out of her way to be sweet to me, even though she doesn't know me at all! I just spent the last couple of hours crying to myself over my ungratefulness. I really need to keep myself in check from now on. Today was a day of me being a SUB (Straight Up Bitch). No more SUB days for me. I need to start appreciating the people in this world. Everyone. Because even people who barely know me at all, are wonderful enough to be sweet to me.

Holidays are essentially holy days. If I can't even appreciate the special days that are meant to stand out, how am I ever going to truly appreciate the normal days? How will I ever appreciate life???

This box of Ferrero Rochers will serve as a reminder to me that unnecessary kindness in strangers can sometimes be the most crucial. 

There is still a little over an hour left of Valentine's Day. I'm going to finally go enjoy the dinner that my amazing boyfriend cooked for me.

Just When I Thought I Had it All Figured Out..

I'd like to take a moment to get serious and personal here. No, no one died (thank goodness), and I'm not ill (again, thank goodness). I just needed to put it out there that I am extremely torn with my career aspirations. Aaaand this is where most of you tune out and try to find a more interesting blog to read/stare at.


Those of you still reading, I thank you for sticking with me.

I had a couple errands to run this morning, among them was getting my hand treated from yet another nasty bug bite. Along the way, I had a lot of time to think about what I'm doing right now, and where I intend to be in the future. That was when I realized I have been ignoring this nagging question at the back of my mind for quite some time now,

"What the hell are you doing Tina?"

I moved here to Hawaii to study English Literature with a concentration in Creative Writing. After that, I planned to move to the east coast to pursue my Masters degree in Higher Education Administration. Even saying all of that makes me feel high and mighty...but that's exactly the problem. All I want to do with my life is write, and I know I can succeed with that sort of career. However, I worry it won't be stable enough, which is why I also want to go into education. But really. Is being an administrator at a college or university really what I want to do with the rest of my life? Of course, I had this brilliant plan to be a novelist on the side, but really. Come on!

Looking back on this post and seeing all my woes staring back at me from my screen really makes me feel like even more of an idiot. I feel so foolish and confused. I'm freakin' twenty-two years old, and I refuse to surrender to the relentless holds of convention. I sound like an idiot, but the sad thing is: I'm completely serious about everything I'm saying. I don't want to be a slave to a daily grind for the next forty or so years of my life until I'm able to retire, but I just don't know of any alternatives.

In all honesty, I am simply too scared to completely dive in and pursue my passion of writing. That's all that it is. I'm holding on to this idea that I'm going to be a successful administrator like it's a lifeline in case I fail at complete happiness, but that's exactly the problem. I will never know what the world has to offer if I continue to wade along in this state of limbo. What I need to do is put all my faith in myself and just go after what I want.

So, first of all, I want to completely concentrate on creative writing. Secondly, the University of Hawaii has a horrible creative writing program. So...

I think I'm going to move. Again. 
Yes, I'm being completely serious.

Feel Free to Berate Me For My Previous Post

Upon re-reading my last post, I ended up like this:

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Only, much less dignified. After I let it all out, I seemed to uncover my senses, and was able to give myself the slap in the face (figuratively of course) that I so needed.

Dear Tina, 

The next time you decide to whine about all of your hard-earned money going to nothing but tuition, rent, bills, and groceries, think about those who wish they could get the education you're getting, and those who don't even have food to eat or a roof over their head. You wanted a grown-up life, and you got exactly what you asked for. This is what depending on yourself is like, and this is what you moved out here to do. So, either suck it up or move back home to Mommy and Daddy.

Sincerely, 

Reality

PS: Welcome to college, the most memorable and financially draining years of your life. It sucks, and you're going to love every minute of it.

LOST: My Sense of Composure (Last Seen Before the Holidays)

I've been off the radar for too long. This usually amounts to a long post of catching up, but I'm far too stressed out to lay out all the details of my holidays suffice it to say that although I miss my home, family, friends, and dog, I am very grateful that my boyfriend has been here with me to ease the homesickness. If you're still strung up on holiday cheer, I suggest you hop right past this blog and read something more suitable to your mood; my post will be filled with nothing but daunting thoughts and most likely cynicism. So here goes...

I am SO broke.

I make more money now than I ever have in my life, but I am more broke now than I've ever been in my life. WHERE DOES IT ALL GO??? Everyone was right; living in Hawai'i is horribly expensive. My monthly expenses are as follows:

Rent: $500.00
Tuition: $500.00
Bills/Utilities: $150.00
Groceries: $300.00
Total: $1,450.00

Let's just say that, if I'm lucky, I make juuust enough to cover most of that.

How the HECK am I going to pay for school???

I only took six credits last semester, which meant my tuition was completely covered by the measly loan I was awarded for the year. However, I will be taking nine credits this next semester. So, although most of it will be covered by the loan, I will still have to pay off the remaining balance every month.

I only have ONE more week of break?!?!?!??

Are you kidding me? Break just started, and I am still recovering from the wrath of finals! That's Hawai'i for you though, they don't really have a winter over here, so it seems as though they decided a sufficient winter break would be foolish. At least the semester ends at the beginning of May...yay for yearlong summers!

No no, nonono NO! I don't want to go back to school, I don't want to pay for my expensive tuition. I just, don't WANT to! I feel a temper tantrum coming on in 5, 4, 3, 2...

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...

That's enough. I'm done. I got all my crying and whining out of my system, and I'm ready to be an adult again. Honestly, it's not luck that feeds me and pays my rent every month, it's purely the hard work I put into making sure my commission check is as high as it can be. It all feels futile at times when I have to clear out my savings account to cover rent or bills, knowing that I have to start all over again with saving up to achieve my lifelong dream of volunteering abroad. It will happen though. I'm still young, and regardless, this will all be worth it in the end.

...Right?

I'm not just slaving away for a decorated piece of paper that will only serve as a framed piece of my soul right? Please tell me that this is all worth it, please. And if you know it's not, please just lie to me. I'm starting to lose sight of the whole purpose of forking over thousands of dollars for my education.

Eyyyyyyy...

Class vs. Sass: Making a Living Off of Temperance

Self-mastery (Temperance)

• Acquired ability to say "no" to ourselves and our lower inclinations.
• Habit of waiting for rewards, and earning them.
• Enjoying pleasures and goods in moderation: food, drink, entertainment, even work itself.
• Lifelong habit of saying (and meaning): please, thank you, I'm sorry, and I give my word....
• Habit of living courtesy and good manners toward everyone, without exception, and doing this even in the face of rudeness or provocation.
• In a word, ``class'': self-restraint, etiquette, healthy self-respect, active concern for the dignity and needs of all around us, an active spirit of service.

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As the final installment of The Virtue Vows, I closed out this project by differentiating when and when not to be a smartass. My job is known for stellar customer service, and sometimes I feel like the customers I deal with like to take advantage of our renowned service. My job has taught me that regardless of whether or not someone is justified in their rude tactics, it never helps to provoke them with an icy attitude. I know I've said this before, but I really am grateful for my job, because in no other situation would you catch this girl biting her tongue in the midst of a rude exchange. This job has really taught me a lot about self-restraint, and that it really isn't necessary to tell someone off for being rude to you, especially if it could cost you your job. Temperance, especially for me, is not a virtue that can be mastered over night or even in a week. I'm not saying that I'm the world's most graceful woman, but I can attest to the fact that grace is a gradual attribute that can only be acquired through years of patience and good nature. I think that I've grown a lot from that wild adolescent who used welcome any kind of cat fight if given the opportunity. For some, this may seem as a shocker, but for others Tina getting into a cat fight is old news.

I don't think I'll ever lose my hint of sass, and among my friends I'm sure I will always be known as the sarcastic smartass. However, I would like to think that over the years I have developed a sense of class to accompany the sass. No longer do I feel the need to prove anything to anybody; I think that goes with trying to become a graceful woman who is confident enough in her own ways to turn the other cheek when provoked. There have been many opportunities in the past year when I was harassed (via facebook, twitter, prank calls, and text messages) that I could have responded with my usual sharp tongue, but for some reason I held it. In the end I realized that once the annoyance subsided, I was able to see clearly each time who the bigger person really was. I'm glad I never stooped to the lowly level of reciprocating in the rude things that certain people have said to me (or about me).


Here are some tactics that I have developed over the years of being around crazy people:


If someone wants to be rude to your face, let them. If others see this, it's even better. It does not make you look like a loser if you respond with  indifference or kindness, but rather, you end up inadvertently showcasing said person's true colors for the world to see while simultaneously displaying your grace and temperance.

The same goes for when people decide to bash you all over their facebook page or twitter feed. What better opportunity for the other person to look like an idiot than on a public network? If anyone knows who the person is talking about, they are most likely going to look you up and check for your response; don't supply the opportunity for petty entertainment. Just let the rant go on as a one-sided bitch fest on the other person's end...trust me, the amount of pathetic that these people end up coming off as is hilarious.

Should you ever be privately harassed via prank calls or rude text messages...well, first of all I hope none of you ever make the same mistake I made in befriending people with the maturity of a pre-teen, but if this does ever happen to you, I suggest getting some sort of Psycho Person Block app. I have one for my BlackBerry, and it has worked wonders.

There are a lot of apps like this that are generally free, but for the sake of my sanity, this was the best $2.99 I've ever spent. :)

I am lucky enough to have four days off from work to study, and it has been the perfect time to sit back and take a breather from all the downtown madness that I deal with on a daily basis. I have my finals tomorrow, then it's back to work on Wednesday for the rest of the week. Every day is a test on our virtues, and I'm truly glad that I did this project. To be able to focus and refine each of these virtues has been a great challenge, and I encourage all who have been reading to give it a try. Happy holidays everyone!

Life as I Know It

With finals looming in the horizon, it is only natural that I suddenly develop a knack to think of everything else except for what I need to study for. Like most college students, procrastination is a mastered talent that holds detrimental consequences to my academic career if I indulge in too much of it. Anyway, I have done a lot of day dreaming ever since I locked myself away in study mode, and one of the things I often catch myself doing is looking through all the snapshots I've taken on my BlackBerry since I moved here. I have decided to share these photos with you in hopes of providing a glimpse into my new life.

Living in Hawai'i entails:

Nasty Bug Bites

 This is a shot of my ankle in an extremely swollen state as the result of a horrible bug bite.

I don't want to know what happened there suffice it to say that it healed rather quickly.

Chopping Off the Mane

I cut off over ten inches of hair due to the unbearable heat, and donated the hair to Locks of Love.

 The result has been so much easier to manage!

L&L Hawaiian BBQ inside of Walmart Instead of McDonald's

Huh????

Intruders in Our Home

 Some were cute...

Others not so much.

Sharing the Road with Wildlife

I spotted him as I was rushing to catch the bus to work.

Friendly Strays

This guy comes around to our apartment every once in a while, and he always likes to play with my boyfriend!

Ballsy Birds

He was going to stop at nothing to get to my vegan enchiladas!

Beautiful Beaches

 Waikiki Beach: a short walk from our home.

 The sand here is unbelievably soft!

Hanging out at Kaneohe Bay: the location where Pirates of the Caribbean 4 was filmed. No big.

Beautiful Storms

Daily Rainbows

It's been almost four months since I moved out here, and life has definitely been interesting to say the least. There have been hard times, and I've had my fair share of uncomfortable moments, but for the most part, I have truly enjoyed this entire experience. I can't wait for what's in store. :) How's everyone doing with finals? I hope you aren't killing yourselves over the stress. For those of you who do not have finals to worry about, I hope you have been enjoying your holiday season. :)

Stay tuned for my next post which will be the last installment of The Virtue Vows. This week, I have been focusing on Temperance, and I can't wait to fill you in on my endeavors!

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The Epiphany and the Makeover

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I had a dream that my blog was called "Breakfast at Tina's". So, with "Breakfast at Tiffany's" being one of my favorite movies of all time, I naturally had to act upon my dream and completely make over my blog, domain and all. So what do you think??? I hope you like it.

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Anyway, back to The Virtue Vows. This week, I will be covering both the second and third installment of the four virtues I have chosen to work on.

Last week, I focused on responsibility, and this week I am working on personal courage. If ever there was a perfect time to bring the two virtues together, it would be now. Before I get to the details of my daunting situation, I think it's important to provide you with some highlights from the link provided above on what I have been focussing on this week.

Personal Courage (Fortitude)

- Acquired ability to overcome or endure difficulties: pain, inconvenience, disappointment, setbacks, worry, tedium.

- Habit of overcoming anxiety through purposeful, honorable action.


- Attitude of seeing escape as something unworthy, even dishonorable.


- Realization that "anticipation" is usually worse than "reality." Projected problems are generally lighter and easier than we expect them to be.

-Confidence in problem-solving abilities, built through lifetime practice in solving problems.


-Determination to overcome personal shortcomings. If we are shy, we learn to be friendly and a "good listener." If we are impulsive, we practice restraint and reflection about consequences. If we are lazy, we strive toward purposeful action. If we do not understand something, we make effort to study.

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The way I see it, courage and responsibility are two virtues that definitely go hand in hand. Not all who are courageous are responsible, but all those who are responsible are courageous. It takes true bravery to be able to face one's iniquities and personally change for the better.

When I got out of the shower this morning, my BlackBerry was flashing with an email from my bank notifying me that my account was in overdraft. Turns out, UH pulled the majority of my spring tuition out of my personal banking account instead of my financial aid account. What's worse? I was charged with an overdraft fee from my bank, and a rejected check fee from my school. What can get worse than that?

Rent was due today.

I spent all of fifteen minutes freaking out about what I was going to do with rent and tuition, then I told myself, there is no way that I should have to bear the burden of my school's mistake, and I will do everything in my power to ensure that this gets taken care of. I will get next semester's tuition paid off in time, and I will have enough money to cover this month's rent (even if that means I have to dip into my savings for now). What I learned from all of this is:

Taking responsibility over your life means everything will work out because you will make it work out, and you can only be defeated if you allow yourself to be.

When all else fails in life, the only thing I can count on is my determination. Everything will be ok, because I will make it ok. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving break. :)

The Virtue Vows: A Series of Discovery and Self Improvement

I have decided to take on a personal challenge to become a better person.

Now, those of you who have known me for quite some time now or have followed me here from my older blogs know that there are two things about the above statement that need to be put out there:

1. I love personal challenges.
2. Self-improvement isn't easy for someone as self-absorbed and prideful as I am.

That being said, let's get down to it.

Since my last post, I stumbled upon this article entitled "An Overview of the Virtues". It's a list of virtues and attributes that one should be mindful of each and every day. Then, it as if the blog gods were shining down on me, I was finally struck by inspiration for a series of posts. As I was reading the list, the know-it-all smartass in me was thinking, "Are these pompous, blazer-wearing, lacrosse-playing, trust funded Columbia students trying to lecture me on how to be a better person?" It was then, that my sordid thought was quickly followed by a convicting realization that I was betraying one of the virtues on the list.

Personally, I don't consider myself to be some sort of villain, but on the other hand, I'm definitely nothing close to saintlike. However, I amone who is known to quickly jump to conclusions and dish out words of wisdom and advice as if I already know what it takes to take on life with nothing but common sense and a nice smile. I was raised by two very strong-willed parents, each possessing outstanding moral compasses. As the saying goes, "No one is perfect", and I for one can definitely attest that I am far from perfect regardless of how well I was raised.

I have thought about how I'm going to take on this challenge, and I have decided to spend each week of the following month getting in touch with one of the four virtues: prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance. I will keep a personal journal in which I will record my daily reflections of my actions and thoughts, and at least once every week, I will update my readers on the progress of each virtue. The idea is to finish out the year as a more refined character, ready to take on the new year with a newfound insight and diplomatic grace. Among that list I have decided to add on a daily focus just to challenge myself even further (ohhh, how I love doing that). Every day, I am going to try to also focus on gratitude. Since I feel that I can often be rather annoying and whiny about my past and present situations, I figured practicing daily gratitude would help me live a more fulfilled life. So, without much further ado, I am going post my first gratitude. Drumroll please...

I am grateful to simply be alive.

Feel cheated? I wouldn't think so. I have lost many close friends and family members who had so much going for them and so much to offer, that I figured this was a good place to start out with expressing how grateful I am that I am able to wake up every day with something to give to the world and the ability to work toward my goals. Haven't you ever had that dream where you were dead? I have, and the only feeling I remember having upon waking up is sadness that I couldn't continue living. Life is such a beautiful gift, and I am grateful for each and every day that I have been given of it.

Here are some snap shots of the beauty in my life and things that I have been grateful for since my move to Hawai'i:

Adventures at Cromwell's Beach with friends.

Swap meet lovin' with my parents.

The abundance of extraordinary birds.

Double rainbow all the way across the skyyy!!

So, to wrap things up in preparation for a rather interesting month, I am very excited to take on this challenge, and if any of you reading this feel like joining me, you are more than welcome to do so. I am simply following the list in that article and practicing (with extra care) the attributes listed. By the end of the month, I plan to make Prudence, Justice, Fortitude, Temperance, and Gratitude my new best friends. First up for this week is: Prudence, the virtue of sound judgement. In this next week, I will open my mind to practice respect for others and their cultures, life experiences, and the causes and effects of each circumstance. The main challenge will be the, "Ability to recognize the good, the true, and the beautiful; and to discern thee from the evil, the false, and the sordid."

I know this all may sound nuts to you, but honestly, this is a project for myself and my own personal growth, and I can't freakin' wait to take it on!

Stay tuned...

There is No Destination Without a Journey

My parents are here to visit for the week, and I think their being here is easing the stress of midterms week. In the flurry of catching up with novels upon novels of reading for my classes, it's surprising to think that I managed to find the time to pull away and gather my thoughts. I admit, I haven't had much time to myself lately which means I haven't had much time to really reflect on the changes that have settled in my life.

It's been two months since I've moved here, and although I still really miss having my family and support unit around me at all times, I've come to a couple of realizations that have spawned from my appreciation for my friends and family and everything they have given me. When I was living in Orange County with my parents, I thought I was pretty independent of them compared to almost everyone I knew who was my age and still living with their parents. I mean, with the exception of rent, I was working to pay for everything else that I wanted or needed. When I compared myself to other people, I felt like mentally and financially I definitely had what it takes to make something out of myself when I decided to throw myself three thousand miles into the middle of the ocean to live on an island. Little did I know that what I had anticipated to be an extended staycation in a tropical paradise was soon going to prove itself to be a sink or swim situation.

Out here on my own and away from all the trivial standards that have always seemed to have been inexplicably enforced upon the youth in my old society, I am realizing more and more how ridiculously silly it is for anyone to compare his or her life to that of another person. I have always been one to stress the importance of living on your own timeline regardless of how fast the hands of time were ticking in society's social time clock. When it comes to making decisions about my life, I am very secure (and at times rather stubborn) with what I want to do. However, I now realize that I still need to fully practice what I preach as far as comparing myself to others. I need to realize that maturity is not measured solely on how hard you work, how well you do in school, or how much money you make.

There is so much that goes in to determining the amount of wisdom and grace that an individual holds, and these things can be acquired in so many different ways. I thought that because I was working three different jobs and paying my own bills that I was some sort of wise and established young lady. I thought that because of the amount of hardships that I endured throughout my years that I was entitled to showers of respect and praise by default. I have realized, however, that hardships and struggles are not weighed on the same scale for everyone. What may seem like a petty situation to one person may be an overwhelming catastrophe to another depending on the person and the life they live. These are things that I realized before moving here, and I thought that I knew all there is to know about being a young woman on my own, but of course there is so much more than I foolishly assumed.

I would like to think that over the years I have grown more and more appreciative of my parents and everything they have given me; however, this experience of finally being completely on my own has really put me in their shoes and made me realize that there is so much more to being independent than just paying your bills on time. Before, the extra money that I earned went to new clothes or extravagant outings with my friends. Now, anything extra that I earn is designated to ensure that I will still have a roof over my head with running water and electricity for the next month. Living with my parents, it seemed as though everything, from my home to my education, was all at my disposal. Now I understand the reason why my dad has always stressed the importance of being...not frugal, but practical with my money. I think that being out here has also opened my eyes to just how valuable my education really is considering how I am the one who now has to pay my own way through school.

My education has always been a coveted blessing that I will always be so grateful to receive; but the value that I hold on it now is so much more than it has been before considering how I am mainly working to pay for my tuition because I don't have much in loans, and my parents are not supporting me through this almost rebellious decision to go to school out here. I told my coworkers, "I didn't move three thousand miles out here to get a B average." I thought that came out rather snooty, but that was when it hit me. As I was saying that I realized, I'm actually here living out the life I wanted to live, and I better make the most out of this experience because otherwise the tears I shed as I longed for my friends and family would be futile if I come back with nothing to show for my prolonged absence.

Now, more than ever, I have realized that I am responsible and accountable for everything I want, need, and own. This realization of how it's all on me from here on out is not so much a scolding of how "the pressure is on", so much as it an eye opener to seeing life as the bigger picture with every action playing a significant role that brings every course of my life together in the end of one long journey. It is encouraging to realize that my actions and efforts will never be futile, but rather beneficial in the long run. I am grateful that, growing up, my parents guided me well yet they still managed to allow me to find my way on my own using the guidance they provided me with. Amidst the chaos of conformity in the Orange County bubble, I was fortunate enough to be able to hold on to myself and stay grounded enough to carry the roots of my experiences with me to live out this pivotal chapter in my life.

I know that I've probably been the worst blogger to date, but I really hope that you as my reader can find it within yourself to understand that I am still trying to settle in and find my niche in this new place, and all this exploring and searching has made it a little difficult to keep all my thoughts gathered in one place long enough to sit down and hash out a quality blog post within one sitting. Anyway, all of my recent thoughts and appreciations can be summed up by the words Jason Mraz in his song "Life is Wonderful". The song is about how everything comes from something else and that the beauty of life comes full circle. Although there have definitely been times in these past two months when I felt defeated with frustration, I had to remind myself that it takes a journey to reach a destination, and that the struggles in my life are meant to make me truly appreciate the joys that come along. I am not saying that it's going to be all sunshine and rainbows from here on out (although it really is basically all sunshine and rainbows in the sky over here most of the time), but should I ever feel defeated again, I need to remember that it takes some emptiness to know what true fulfillment is. Anyway, I put the song on here, and I encourage you to listen to it if you haven't already heard it. I really think it will make your day just that much more wonderful. :)

At the Bus Stop

I got on the wrong bus after work, and it took me an hour out of town. Now I'm stranded at this bus stop in a strange city with an excruciating migraine and a full bladder. I don't know if the next bus will even show up as planned.

I'm cold.

I'm hungry.

I'm exhausted.

I want to cry, but I can't. Crying won't do me any good, and it definitely won't make the bus arrive sooner. I'm so unfamiliar with this entire island, and I just want to give up, but giving up means I'll definitely never get familiar with this place. If I was still in Orange County I wouldn't have to deal with this, but if I was still in Orange County I wouldn't have the opportunity to explore this place. I had it all figured out in that tiny OC Bubble, but out here on my own, there's no one to cater to me, and no one to dote on me. I'm not used to having to figure things out on my own. Usually, if I'm unhappy, I just ask for the person in charge and give them a piece of my mind until I get what I want.

Right now, there's no one to blame but myself, and I'm going to suck it up and wait...no matter how hungry or tired I am. I chose to move out on my own, and this is part of the package of being on my own. I learned today that when I'm lost I can't just curl up and cry, because then the bus home might just pass me by. I thought I had what it takes to make it on my own, but I never realized I actually had to use it so soon. Oh well, I guess this is part of growing up, and at least I'm learning from these mistakes earlier on rather than later.

....

The bus is finally here.
It's time to go home.