In all honesty, I have questioned the purpose of this blog in the past few weeks. I've been living in Hawai'i for over a year now, and I have become pretty acclimated to my new lifestyle. I've often wondered, since I'm not moving to Portland, is there anything to even talk about anymore?
Turns out, yes. There is.
I woke up at around four or five this morning. I don't know what time it was, all I know was that it was dark, windy, and humid. The palm trees outside my apartment were making an absurd amount of noise as the leaves slapped against my window. I woke up drenched in my own sweat and tears. My thoughts lately have been geared toward the peace and quite of my parents' suburban home in Orange County, California. It's weird calling it that, "my parents' home", because it really isn't my place anymore. My expensive apartment in the heart of this noisy tropical city is my humble abode now. It has been my home for this entire year. Wow. Weird.
Anyway, I don't know how long I stayed up crying, but I went back to sleep when the trucks came down my street to repave the roads. It was the sound of clashing metal and churning cement that was able to lull me to sleep.
This was not the first time I woke up in a nearly depressed state of homesickness. My dilemma is the fact that I won't even be able to take time off to go home for Christmas due to my company's holiday blackout policy. By the time employees are able to request time off again, Spring semester will be in full swing.
I don't know if I can go another year without seeing my family and friends.
Showing posts with label Settling In. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Settling In. Show all posts
A Decade of an Identity Crisis
One time, when I was twelve, I called my friend's house and her brother answered. When he told her a friend was on the phone for her, she asked him, "Who is it?" He responded, "I don't know, some white girl."
And so began my identity crisis.
Flash forward ten years, and I find myself sitting in my 18th Century Literature class. The girl next to me asked me where I am from, and I told her, "I'm from Southern California." She responded, "Oh, I thought so, because very few asians can achieve the 'local look', and you have really achieved that look. Now I know it's because you're from Southern California, and that's like the only place where I could see that happening."
I got a B+ in that class.
My perfect GPA may have been ruined, but hey, I've achieved the "local look". What have you done with your life?
Speaking of school, fall semester starts tomorrow. I'm really going to give UH a full chance this time around. I hope I can come to love the school as much as I love living in Hawaii. As of Thursday, August 16th, I have officially made it one full year of living in Hawaii. I think it's definitely time for me to make a trip back home.
I miss my dog way too much.
And my friends and family of course...but they have opposable thumbs which allow them to dial my number or Skype with me whenever we wish. My dog, on the other hand, does not have that blessing. I miss that guy.
Right Where I Left Off
Two months ago I booked a one-way flight to Portland, Oregon. My boyfriend and I got accepted to the University of Oregon, and we were excited to begin our new lives as Ducks. Within these last two months, there has been a whirlwind of emotions about whether or not I even wanted to move anymore. The stress of the move was extremely overwhelming to say the very least, and it even landed me a trip to Urgent Care.
My friends were all very worried about me, and they tried to offer me advice to help in any way they were able to. My boyfriend, having to already carry his own burden of stress, was at his wit's end trying to figure out what to do to save me from the emotional and physical strain that I was in. My mom wrote me countless emails and called me constantly, begging me to "just come home" to her. She wanted me to let her take care of me. My boyfriend wanted me to let him in, and my friends wanted me to take their advice to heart. I think there was a point where I found myself in a fetal position on my bedroom floor not knowing what to do with myself because I am so steadfast on keeping everyone out, and the fact that everyone in my life was trying to find a way in simply knocked the wind out of me. That was why I made the decision to just move and figure it all out once I got to Portland.
My flight to Portland left at 8:00 a.m. this morning, and on it I was not.
There are many reasons that played into my decision to stay in Hawaii. The main one is being that my life was just starting to pick up here. School has been going really well aside from that one B+ that ruined my perfect 4.0 GPA (I'm just now starting to get over it), and also I was recently promoted at my job. If I transferred my job to Oregon, I would have had to go back to my previous position with no benefits at all. Not ideal. Also, I was lucky enough to build a strong network of friends and coworkers, and I did not want to have to start again from square one in yet another place where I don't know a single soul aside from my boyfriend. Speaking of the boyfriend, yes he is staying with me. The debate over whether or not we should stay was not easy on our relationship, because there was a possibility that we might have had to split up. In the end, we realized that the two of us have come too far after almost two years of being together to even think about leaving each other just for a new school when we are already in a good school already.
I know that this isn't much of a change now that I am not moving back across the Pacific Ocean. To many, it may seem like an anticlimactic end to a long series of stress and turmoil, but to me, I am very excited about continuing my life here in Hawaii. I have been looking at everything with such sadness, not knowing when I will ever be able to see it again. Now, I even feel excited when I see the Ala Moana Shopping Center, knowing that I still get to shop at such an awesome mall! Also, I am happy to still be able to swim with turtles and eat the best pineapples in the world.
This is my city. This is my paradise.
Oh, the little things...
My friends were all very worried about me, and they tried to offer me advice to help in any way they were able to. My boyfriend, having to already carry his own burden of stress, was at his wit's end trying to figure out what to do to save me from the emotional and physical strain that I was in. My mom wrote me countless emails and called me constantly, begging me to "just come home" to her. She wanted me to let her take care of me. My boyfriend wanted me to let him in, and my friends wanted me to take their advice to heart. I think there was a point where I found myself in a fetal position on my bedroom floor not knowing what to do with myself because I am so steadfast on keeping everyone out, and the fact that everyone in my life was trying to find a way in simply knocked the wind out of me. That was why I made the decision to just move and figure it all out once I got to Portland.
My flight to Portland left at 8:00 a.m. this morning, and on it I was not.
There are many reasons that played into my decision to stay in Hawaii. The main one is being that my life was just starting to pick up here. School has been going really well aside from that one B+ that ruined my perfect 4.0 GPA (I'm just now starting to get over it), and also I was recently promoted at my job. If I transferred my job to Oregon, I would have had to go back to my previous position with no benefits at all. Not ideal. Also, I was lucky enough to build a strong network of friends and coworkers, and I did not want to have to start again from square one in yet another place where I don't know a single soul aside from my boyfriend. Speaking of the boyfriend, yes he is staying with me. The debate over whether or not we should stay was not easy on our relationship, because there was a possibility that we might have had to split up. In the end, we realized that the two of us have come too far after almost two years of being together to even think about leaving each other just for a new school when we are already in a good school already.
I know that this isn't much of a change now that I am not moving back across the Pacific Ocean. To many, it may seem like an anticlimactic end to a long series of stress and turmoil, but to me, I am very excited about continuing my life here in Hawaii. I have been looking at everything with such sadness, not knowing when I will ever be able to see it again. Now, I even feel excited when I see the Ala Moana Shopping Center, knowing that I still get to shop at such an awesome mall! Also, I am happy to still be able to swim with turtles and eat the best pineapples in the world.
This is my city. This is my paradise.
Taken from my hike to the top of Diamond Head.
Wading in the Water
You know that feeling of hesitance mixed with a hint of fear when you decide to first test out the water at the beach? The sun feels great on your skin just like it does every other day, and you're already very comfortable on the sand, but you want more. You dip your toes into the water only to find that it is shockingly cold, and in the midst of your shock and horror, you look up to find that even the waves look pretty intimidating too. So, you decide to stand far up on the sand, allowing the water to splash over your feet (if it manages to reach you). You're pretty content with sticking to what makes you comfortable, and you're not in any rush to change that.
That's how I was about a year ago with the culture shock I received when I moved here to Hawai'i.
In the beginning, I was very adamant about holding on to my Californian identity. I was hesitant to make friends, because I knew I would leave them one day, and I don't do well with goodbyes. The city was overwhelming, and the people intimidated me. It was all so new to me, and I was worried that I would forget where I came from; so I tried to distance myself as much as possible from everyone and everything. I made a couple of friends in the beginning who tried to introduce me to the culture out here, but it felt like I was always standing back on the sand, not really wanting the culture to wash over me. Some of them managed to reach me, but when that happened, I just stepped a little further back. It's not that I refused to get acquainted, it was simply that I was not ready to let go of where I came from, but I was still curious enough to experience the place in low doses.
In January, I became so homesick for what I was familiar with, that I made the decision to move back to the mainland and transfer to a school up north. It was this decision to move that has kept me from this blog lately, because I have finally decided to dive into the island culture before I have to leave it indefinitely.
When your friends are all in the water, laughing and taking on the waves, you can see that they are having a great time, and you can't help but realize how foolish you look standing there at the edge of the water, hugging yourself in fear of getting wet. You've already made the decision to go to the beach; so you suck it up, and dive completely into the water. The shock of the cold water washes over you, and turns into a rush of adrenaline when you realize that you actually did it; you're still alive, and you can't believe you didn't do this sooner.
When I realized that I only had two months left here in Hawai'i, I tried to take in as much as I could before I have to leave here. I have made a good amount of great friends who have been so wonderful and generous to me, and have been the closest thing to a family that I have out here in a place where I didn't know a single person to start out with. I love it here. I'm happy here, and I can't believe I didn't allow myself to live this life sooner.
It's ironic how I finally have a life going for myself out here, and I realize that I have to leave in two weeks.
It's like when you are in the water, and it's time to go home. You don't want to get back out of the water, because the temperature of the air is now foreign to you, and you know that it's going to be cold. Plus, you just got in, and you want a little more time to enjoy the experience. I don't want to get out of the water. I have acclimated to the unknown, and I am comfortable. I don't want to leave, but I know I have to eventually. I know this move is going to be hard. I know I'm going to be sad for awhile when I'm back on the mainland, but what can I do? I already made the decision to move. I need to suck it up, and go.
It's ironic how I finally have a life going for myself out here, and I realize that I have to leave in two weeks.
It's like when you are in the water, and it's time to go home. You don't want to get back out of the water, because the temperature of the air is now foreign to you, and you know that it's going to be cold. Plus, you just got in, and you want a little more time to enjoy the experience. I don't want to get out of the water. I have acclimated to the unknown, and I am comfortable. I don't want to leave, but I know I have to eventually. I know this move is going to be hard. I know I'm going to be sad for awhile when I'm back on the mainland, but what can I do? I already made the decision to move. I need to suck it up, and go.
The Storm Within Has Finally Subsided
Yesterday, as I was standing alone in my kitchen eating almonds and admiring the view outside my window, I felt a sense of personal satisfaction that I have been seeking for an immeasurable amount of time now. Maybe it's all the yoga I recently picked up again after months of not practicing it. Maybe it was the beautiful view of the evening sky, or maybe it was the fact that my almonds were fantastically delicious. Whatever it was that brought on this inner peace, it was definitely long awaited and graciously welcomed. Here are some things that I realized that range from a rather material sense to an inner and more spiritual one:
- I am truly, 100% independent and living my own life. I have been doing this for awhile now, but I finally realized just how financially stable I have managed to become despite all of my current obligations. Rent, bills, and tuition aside, I'm living extremely comfortably, and I often catch myself thinking, "So this must be what it feels like to be a successful adult who is responsible with her own income"
- My relationship is 100% drama free, and I couldn't imagine being happier with anyone else. I can even say that without having to worry about knocking on any wood, because I am that confident in my relationship with my boyfriend. After a year and a half, I have finally realized that you are not stripped of your independence just because you decide to let someone else into your life. Sharing your life with someone does not mean you are giving up yours, and I am grateful to be with a man who allows me to do my own thing whenever I please, but will always be there right away whenever I need him.
- Although I still harbor some hurt feelings from my past, I no longer hold any grudges with anyone. I have definitely been hurt by many people, and placed in situations that were less than favorable, but I have realized over the years that most of the time, anger is just a waste of time. I am who I am because of everything that I have experienced in my life. It does not make me better or worse than anybody else; it simply makes me...me. I wish everyone in my past the very best in life, and hope that we can meet again in the future to share the joys in our lives together. For now, I understand that we all need to journey on our own paths in order to allow our individual identities to fully evolve. If our paths cross, great; if not, I can only hope for the best in everyone.
I know this may all seem like a load of hippie talk to you, but these things are the main issues that I have been struggling with for a very long time. My financial burdens are pretty recent considering how I didn't move out on my own until very recently in August of 2011. The second two points, however, are issues that I have battled with for a very long time now.
I have always sought the comfort of being loved (as I assume most people do). Unfortunately I carry with me a very dark past that hinders me from allowing myself to care for someone wholeheartedly, and considering how my past is a part of who I am, I have always been in constant denial of myself. It wasn't until recently, when I learned to accept myself without my tainted armor of sheer arrogance that has grown thicker over the years of constantly trying to render myself the victor in the battle between settling for conformity and striving for individuality, that I have been able to understand what it is like to care for another person without always having to be the one who holds the upper hand.
When it comes down to it, I have decided that it doesn't matter if you love me or not, I will love you regardless, because that is what you deserve; also, it doesn't matter who is in control, because in the end, we are all led by the hands of fate. That last bit about fate came to me when I was talking to my best friend back in California about the concerns and insecurities I have in regards to my education and career. She told me, quite simply,
"Everyone's path is different and paved specifically for them by God. Don't mess with the Big Guy's plans for you. He has your every desire in mind. Just keep trusting that someone is looking out for you."As much as I preach about growth coming from within, I would be so lost without my family and friends. It is so comforting to know that I can always turn to them in my time of need and they will always know exactly just what to say. I couldn't be more grateful for them. I don't know what has gotten into me, but I hope it stays for awhile. I have really needed this time in Hawai'i not just to grow, but to realize that I am all I have, and if I can't make peace with that, I will be fighting a long and harrowing internal war until the day I die. It's about time I accepted everything for what it is, and moved on.
Then again, it could just be the undeniable beauty I am living in that is allowing all this contentment to consume me...
Paradise brings out the beauty in all of us.
Life as I Know It
With finals looming in the horizon, it is only natural that I suddenly develop a knack to think of everything else except for what I need to study for. Like most college students, procrastination is a mastered talent that holds detrimental consequences to my academic career if I indulge in too much of it. Anyway, I have done a lot of day dreaming ever since I locked myself away in study mode, and one of the things I often catch myself doing is looking through all the snapshots I've taken on my BlackBerry since I moved here. I have decided to share these photos with you in hopes of providing a glimpse into my new life.
Living in Hawai'i entails:
Nasty Bug Bites
This is a shot of my ankle in an extremely swollen state as the result of a horrible bug bite.
I don't want to know what happened there suffice it to say that it healed rather quickly.
Chopping Off the Mane
I cut off over ten inches of hair due to the unbearable heat, and donated the hair to Locks of Love.
The result has been so much easier to manage!
L&L Hawaiian BBQ inside of Walmart Instead of McDonald's
Huh????
Intruders in Our Home
Some were cute...
Others not so much.
Sharing the Road with Wildlife
I spotted him as I was rushing to catch the bus to work.
Friendly Strays
This guy comes around to our apartment every once in a while, and he always likes to play with my boyfriend!
Ballsy Birds
He was going to stop at nothing to get to my vegan enchiladas!
Beautiful Beaches
Waikiki Beach: a short walk from our home.
The sand here is unbelievably soft!
Hanging out at Kaneohe Bay: the location where Pirates of the Caribbean 4 was filmed. No big.
Beautiful Storms
Daily Rainbows
It's been almost four months since I moved out here, and life has definitely been interesting to say the least. There have been hard times, and I've had my fair share of uncomfortable moments, but for the most part, I have truly enjoyed this entire experience. I can't wait for what's in store. :) How's everyone doing with finals? I hope you aren't killing yourselves over the stress. For those of you who do not have finals to worry about, I hope you have been enjoying your holiday season. :)
Stay tuned for my next post which will be the last installment of The Virtue Vows. This week, I have been focusing on Temperance, and I can't wait to fill you in on my endeavors!
Follow my blog with Bloglovin
Stay tuned for my next post which will be the last installment of The Virtue Vows. This week, I have been focusing on Temperance, and I can't wait to fill you in on my endeavors!
Follow my blog with Bloglovin
There is No Destination Without a Journey
It's been two months since I've moved here, and although I still really miss having my family and support unit around me at all times, I've come to a couple of realizations that have spawned from my appreciation for my friends and family and everything they have given me. When I was living in Orange County with my parents, I thought I was pretty independent of them compared to almost everyone I knew who was my age and still living with their parents. I mean, with the exception of rent, I was working to pay for everything else that I wanted or needed. When I compared myself to other people, I felt like mentally and financially I definitely had what it takes to make something out of myself when I decided to throw myself three thousand miles into the middle of the ocean to live on an island. Little did I know that what I had anticipated to be an extended staycation in a tropical paradise was soon going to prove itself to be a sink or swim situation.
Out here on my own and away from all the trivial standards that have always seemed to have been inexplicably enforced upon the youth in my old society, I am realizing more and more how ridiculously silly it is for anyone to compare his or her life to that of another person. I have always been one to stress the importance of living on your own timeline regardless of how fast the hands of time were ticking in society's social time clock. When it comes to making decisions about my life, I am very secure (and at times rather stubborn) with what I want to do. However, I now realize that I still need to fully practice what I preach as far as comparing myself to others. I need to realize that maturity is not measured solely on how hard you work, how well you do in school, or how much money you make.
There is so much that goes in to determining the amount of wisdom and grace that an individual holds, and these things can be acquired in so many different ways. I thought that because I was working three different jobs and paying my own bills that I was some sort of wise and established young lady. I thought that because of the amount of hardships that I endured throughout my years that I was entitled to showers of respect and praise by default. I have realized, however, that hardships and struggles are not weighed on the same scale for everyone. What may seem like a petty situation to one person may be an overwhelming catastrophe to another depending on the person and the life they live. These are things that I realized before moving here, and I thought that I knew all there is to know about being a young woman on my own, but of course there is so much more than I foolishly assumed.
I would like to think that over the years I have grown more and more appreciative of my parents and everything they have given me; however, this experience of finally being completely on my own has really put me in their shoes and made me realize that there is so much more to being independent than just paying your bills on time. Before, the extra money that I earned went to new clothes or extravagant outings with my friends. Now, anything extra that I earn is designated to ensure that I will still have a roof over my head with running water and electricity for the next month. Living with my parents, it seemed as though everything, from my home to my education, was all at my disposal. Now I understand the reason why my dad has always stressed the importance of being...not frugal, but practical with my money. I think that being out here has also opened my eyes to just how valuable my education really is considering how I am the one who now has to pay my own way through school.
My education has always been a coveted blessing that I will always be so grateful to receive; but the value that I hold on it now is so much more than it has been before considering how I am mainly working to pay for my tuition because I don't have much in loans, and my parents are not supporting me through this almost rebellious decision to go to school out here. I told my coworkers, "I didn't move three thousand miles out here to get a B average." I thought that came out rather snooty, but that was when it hit me. As I was saying that I realized, I'm actually here living out the life I wanted to live, and I better make the most out of this experience because otherwise the tears I shed as I longed for my friends and family would be futile if I come back with nothing to show for my prolonged absence.
Now, more than ever, I have realized that I am responsible and accountable for everything I want, need, and own. This realization of how it's all on me from here on out is not so much a scolding of how "the pressure is on", so much as it an eye opener to seeing life as the bigger picture with every action playing a significant role that brings every course of my life together in the end of one long journey. It is encouraging to realize that my actions and efforts will never be futile, but rather beneficial in the long run. I am grateful that, growing up, my parents guided me well yet they still managed to allow me to find my way on my own using the guidance they provided me with. Amidst the chaos of conformity in the Orange County bubble, I was fortunate enough to be able to hold on to myself and stay grounded enough to carry the roots of my experiences with me to live out this pivotal chapter in my life.
I know that I've probably been the worst blogger to date, but I really hope that you as my reader can find it within yourself to understand that I am still trying to settle in and find my niche in this new place, and all this exploring and searching has made it a little difficult to keep all my thoughts gathered in one place long enough to sit down and hash out a quality blog post within one sitting. Anyway, all of my recent thoughts and appreciations can be summed up by the words Jason Mraz in his song "Life is Wonderful". The song is about how everything comes from something else and that the beauty of life comes full circle. Although there have definitely been times in these past two months when I felt defeated with frustration, I had to remind myself that it takes a journey to reach a destination, and that the struggles in my life are meant to make me truly appreciate the joys that come along. I am not saying that it's going to be all sunshine and rainbows from here on out (although it really is basically all sunshine and rainbows in the sky over here most of the time), but should I ever feel defeated again, I need to remember that it takes some emptiness to know what true fulfillment is. Anyway, I put the song on here, and I encourage you to listen to it if you haven't already heard it. I really think it will make your day just that much more wonderful. :)
I Made It; I'm Here; I'm Alive
Just a quick update to ensure you all that I arrived safely late Tuesday night to the beautiful island of Oahu. I made friends with the cab driver because she was Vietnamese, so we ended up speaking Vietnamese the entire 10 miles form the airport to my apartment. The cab fare ended up being almost $40, but she only charged me $30, and adamantly refused my tip offer. Instead, she offered me her business card and personal cell number for me to call anytime I need a cheap cab ride, or guidance on where to buy inexpensive food. Needless to say, my first impression of Hawaiian locals was top notch.
These past two days have been pretty hectic, but I've loved every minute of it. Before leaving Orange County, I had set up a job interview for first thing yesterday morning, and I think it went extremely well. I'm pretty confident in my performance during the interview. Now I'm just going to wait on the background check and hope that everything goes through, because the benefits are amazing with this job.
I really hope I get it.
Today, we signed up for new bank accounts. I guess to avoid a monopoly, all the banks on the mainland (ie: Wells Fargo, Bank of America, Chase, etc) do not exist on the islands. It was no big deal, signing up for a free checking account with Bank of Hawaii was a very quick and easy process. After that, we went to stock up on groceries so I wouldn't have to feel depressed every time I opened the fridge only to see one package of cold turkey and a half-empty bottle of Pepsi. We are now fully stocked for all sorts of food and snacks, and will be making our first real meal tonight of delicious vegetarian lasagna. :) The furniture is trickling in, and today we got two end tables for the living room, which go very well with our coffee table and TV stand. I will take pictures of the apartment later, as I do plan to do some de-cluttering and re-organizing. Right now, I'm just focused on getting settled.
So, it's been a lot of running around in the city, and I'm ready to simply relax. You're probably wondering if I've been to the beach yet, and the answer is, "Not once." That's fine though. We might walk to the beach after dinner tonight seeing as we live less than a mile away from Waikiki Beach. I know. I'm so lucky. :)
That's it for now, I promise to start taking pictures once I am able to move at a slower pace. Perhaps I'll take pictures tomorrow. I mean, I am planning to spend the day at the beach tomorrow doing nothing but bask in the sun and bathe in the wonderful clear blue water. Oh, and shave ice. I gotta get some.
I hope you've all been marvelous. :)
These past two days have been pretty hectic, but I've loved every minute of it. Before leaving Orange County, I had set up a job interview for first thing yesterday morning, and I think it went extremely well. I'm pretty confident in my performance during the interview. Now I'm just going to wait on the background check and hope that everything goes through, because the benefits are amazing with this job.
I really hope I get it.
Today, we signed up for new bank accounts. I guess to avoid a monopoly, all the banks on the mainland (ie: Wells Fargo, Bank of America, Chase, etc) do not exist on the islands. It was no big deal, signing up for a free checking account with Bank of Hawaii was a very quick and easy process. After that, we went to stock up on groceries so I wouldn't have to feel depressed every time I opened the fridge only to see one package of cold turkey and a half-empty bottle of Pepsi. We are now fully stocked for all sorts of food and snacks, and will be making our first real meal tonight of delicious vegetarian lasagna. :) The furniture is trickling in, and today we got two end tables for the living room, which go very well with our coffee table and TV stand. I will take pictures of the apartment later, as I do plan to do some de-cluttering and re-organizing. Right now, I'm just focused on getting settled.
So, it's been a lot of running around in the city, and I'm ready to simply relax. You're probably wondering if I've been to the beach yet, and the answer is, "Not once." That's fine though. We might walk to the beach after dinner tonight seeing as we live less than a mile away from Waikiki Beach. I know. I'm so lucky. :)
That's it for now, I promise to start taking pictures once I am able to move at a slower pace. Perhaps I'll take pictures tomorrow. I mean, I am planning to spend the day at the beach tomorrow doing nothing but bask in the sun and bathe in the wonderful clear blue water. Oh, and shave ice. I gotta get some.
I hope you've all been marvelous. :)
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