An Unpleasant Reflection

"A picture is worth more than a blank page. Take out those dusty photo albums. Pick out photo #14. Count however way you like, but make sure you stop at photo #14. Look at the photo for 2-3 minutes, write all the feelings that photograph made you feel. Don't censor yourself. Just write."

I was eighteen in this picture. It was the summer before college started, and I was suffering from what I thought was a broken heart. Later on in my freshman year of college, I came to realize what a broken heart really felt like, and all of that pain made this moment seem like child's play. But I wasn't there yet. At this moment, I had just graduated high school, and the boy I was dating snubbed me for a girl whose pants came off a lot more easily than mine did. I thought it was me. Maybe I was supposed to dumb myself down and slut myself up in order to fit in with this society. It was important that I proved myself to this guy that I could be fun too. I went to all of the coolest nightclubs (as cool as any 18+ club could have been anyway), and danced with as many random guys as I could to prove to this one guy that I was desirable. Simultaneously, I was using these nights out to prove to myself that I was good enough. For what? I didn't know. I still don't know. It wasn't long before I started to take a step back and ask myself, "What the heck am I doing with myself? Why am I doing this? Am I really lowering myself to fit the obviously low standards of a sleazy guy who couldn't care less about me?" This picture was the morning after one of my nights out, and I remember thinking to myself, "This is not who I am. None of this makes me happy. This is getting ridiculous, and it needs to stop before I become any more ridiculous." I have always had a hard time respecting those who failed to respect themselves, and in that moment, I definitely had a very hard time finding a way to respect myself. My image was all wrong. I didn't know who I was at the time, but I knew that I didn't want to be the girl who futilely chased a boy around just to prove that she was worth it. I knew I was worth it to someone who was worthy of me. I knew that I was better than the person I was trying to paint myself to be. I left the club scene after this. Don't get me wrong, I still like to go out from time to time to have a good time with my friends. I am not, in any way, against the bar or club scene. The difference today, however, is that I go out for my own fulfillment of being in the company of great friends. I dress appropriately and drink accordingly. I have tossed out the trashy tactics of minimal clothing and maximum makeup, and adopted a level of class that involves indulging in moderation, and enjoying life to its fullest extent. This picture is a reminder of the day that I pulled myself out of a mess before it became a disaster. What I felt in this picture was shame. What I feel now looking back, is pride. I'm proud of myself for realizing that I am better than what my insecurities fooled me into thinking I was. This was one of the lower points in my life, but I am thankful for those low points, because they motivate me to constantly strive to become a better person today than I was yesterday.

Right Where I Left Off

Two months ago I booked a one-way flight to Portland, Oregon. My boyfriend and I got accepted to the University of Oregon, and we were excited to begin our new lives as Ducks. Within these last two months, there has been a whirlwind of emotions about whether or not I even wanted to move anymore. The stress of the move was extremely overwhelming to say the very least, and it even landed me a trip to Urgent Care.

My friends were all very worried about me, and they tried to offer me advice to help in any way they were able to. My boyfriend, having to already carry his own burden of stress, was at his wit's end trying to figure out what to do to save me from the emotional and physical strain that I was in. My mom wrote me countless emails and called me constantly, begging me to "just come home" to her. She wanted me to let her take care of me. My boyfriend wanted me to let him in, and my friends wanted me to take their advice to heart. I think there was a point where I found myself in a fetal position on my bedroom floor not knowing what to do with myself because I am so steadfast on keeping everyone out, and the fact that everyone in my life was trying to find a way in simply knocked the wind out of me. That was why I made the decision to just move and figure it all out once I got to Portland.

My flight to Portland left at 8:00 a.m. this morning, and on it I was not.

There are many reasons that played into my decision to stay in Hawaii. The main one is being that my life was just starting to pick up here. School has been going really well aside from that one B+ that ruined my perfect 4.0 GPA (I'm just now starting to get over it), and also I was recently promoted at my job. If I transferred my job to Oregon, I would have had to go back to my previous position with no benefits at all. Not ideal. Also, I was lucky enough to build a strong network of friends and coworkers, and I did not want to have to start again from square one in yet another place where I don't know a single soul aside from my boyfriend. Speaking of the boyfriend, yes he is staying with me. The debate over whether or not we should stay was not easy on our relationship, because there was a possibility that we might have had to split up. In the end, we realized that the two of us have come too far after almost two years of being together to even think about leaving each other just for a new school when we are already in a good school already.

I know that this isn't much of a change now that I am not moving back across the Pacific Ocean. To many, it may seem like an anticlimactic end to a long series of stress and turmoil, but to me, I am very excited about continuing my life here in Hawaii. I have been looking at everything with such sadness, not knowing when I will ever be able to see it again. Now, I even feel excited when I see the Ala Moana Shopping Center, knowing that I still get to shop at such an awesome mall! Also, I am happy to still be able to swim with turtles and eat the best pineapples in the world.

This is my city. This is my paradise.

Taken from my hike to the top of Diamond Head.

Oh, the little things...

The Storm Within Has Finally Subsided

Yesterday, as I was standing alone in my kitchen eating almonds and admiring the view outside my window, I felt a sense of personal satisfaction that I have been seeking for an immeasurable amount of time now. Maybe it's all the yoga I recently picked up again after months of not practicing it. Maybe it was the beautiful view of the evening sky, or maybe it was the fact that my almonds were fantastically delicious. Whatever it was that brought on this inner peace, it was definitely long awaited and graciously welcomed. Here are some things that I realized that range from a rather material sense to an inner and more spiritual one:

• I am truly, 100% independent and living my own life. I have been doing this for awhile now, but I finally realized just how financially stable I have managed to become despite all of my current obligations. Rent, bills, and tuition aside, I'm living extremely comfortably, and I often catch myself thinking, "So this must be what it feels like to be a successful adult who is responsible with her own income"
• My relationship is 100% drama free, and I couldn't imagine being happier with anyone else. I can even say that without having to worry about knocking on any wood, because I am that confident in my relationship with my boyfriend. After a year and a half, I have finally realized that you are not stripped of your independence just because you decide to let someone else into your life. Sharing your life with someone does not mean you are giving up yours, and I am grateful to be with a man who allows me to do my own thing whenever I please, but will always be there right away whenever I need him. 
• Although I still harbor some hurt feelings from my past, I no longer hold any grudges with anyone. I have definitely been hurt by many people, and placed in situations that were less than favorable, but I have realized over the years that most of the time, anger is just a waste of time. I am who I am because of everything that I have experienced in my life. It does not make me better or worse than anybody else; it simply makes me...me. I wish everyone in my past the very best in life, and hope that we can meet again in the future to share the joys in our lives together. For now, I understand that we all need to journey on our own paths in order to allow our individual identities to fully evolve. If our paths cross, great; if not, I can only hope for the best in everyone.

I know this may all seem like a load of hippie talk to you, but these things are the main issues that I have been struggling with for a very long time. My financial burdens are pretty recent considering how I didn't move out on my own until very recently in August of 2011. The second two points, however, are issues that I have battled with for a very long time now.

I have always sought the comfort of being loved (as I assume most people do). Unfortunately I carry with me a very dark past that hinders me from allowing myself to care for someone wholeheartedly, and considering how my past is a part of who I am, I have always been in constant denial of myself. It wasn't until recently, when I learned to accept myself without my tainted armor of sheer arrogance that has grown thicker over the years of constantly trying to render myself the victor in the battle between settling for conformity and striving for individuality, that I have been able to understand what it is like to care for another person without always having to be the one who holds the upper hand.

When it comes down to it, I have decided that it doesn't matter if you love me or not, I will love you regardless, because that is what you deserve; also, it doesn't matter who is in control, because in the end, we are all led by the hands of fate. That last bit about fate came to me when I was talking to my best friend back in California about the concerns and insecurities I have in regards to my education and career. She told me, quite simply,

"Everyone's path is different and paved specifically for them by God. Don't mess with the Big Guy's plans for you. He has your every desire in mind. Just keep trusting that someone is looking out for you."

As much as I preach about growth coming from within, I would be so lost without my family and friends. It is so comforting to know that I can always turn to them in my time of need and they will always know exactly just what to say. I couldn't be more grateful for them. I don't know what has gotten into me, but I hope it stays for awhile. I have really needed this time in Hawai'i not just to grow, but to realize that I am all I have, and if I can't make peace with that, I will be fighting a long and harrowing internal war until the day I die. It's about time I accepted everything for what it is, and moved on.

Then again, it could just be the undeniable beauty I am living in that is allowing all this contentment to consume me...

Paradise brings out the beauty in all of us.

Heart Insurance: Investing in Love

Excuse me, as I veer off topic and talk about my love life for a bit.

I recently discovered and started following Audry over at the Don't Love Dare. Her blog is great; it's about getting over your ex and getting real with yourself, and she addresses all the issues and thoughts that most of us deal with and think about, but never really talk about. If you haven't subscribed to her yet, by all means, please leave right now and go subscribe to her (but then come right back to my blog and finish reading what I have to say because I really think it might benefit you now or in the future). Anyway, her latest post was about investments in relationships and investments in yourself. This reminded me of a little experiment I started when I started getting serious with my boyfriend.

As many of you may know, I am in a very happy and healthy relationship with the man of my dreams.

Oh, you didn't know? Well...

I am in a very happy and healthy relationship with the man of my dreams. We have been dating for over a year now, and every day I'm blown away by how happy I am with this guy. He is so good to me; he makes me laugh, and he's freakin' HOT! Now, before I deter any of you who may undergoing a case of Single Cynicism (I've been there, and the sad part is I still suffer from it, although really for me it's just "Cynicism"), I assure you that it has taken me YEARS of stupidly dating countless douche bags before I finally met my boyfriend.

Without fail, after every single relationship I always felt a sense of inevitable sadness accompanied with a huge sense of loss. After a breakup, I always spent a long time mourning over the loss of my time and emotions, and one of the things I hate most is when anything is wasted. So, after a summer of self-proclaimed celibacy, I fell for my boyfriend; only this time, I was more wary. After an empty series of rebound dating in response to having my heart ripped out of my chest and shattered into a million pieces by my first real boyfriend, I decided that I'm not going to risk feeling that kind of pain ever again because seriously, love can be the best feeling in the world, but also the absolute worst at the same time. 

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That was when I came up with the idea that I'm going to invest my money into this relationship.

"What? Money and love don't mix! Tina, you're so crazy and heartless!"

Come on, how many times after a breakup, do you find yourself thinking, "What did I even gain out of that relationship?" In my opinion, everything in life is an investment that will both cost you an arm and a leg, but also benefit you in numerous ways. This is something I have to remind myself every month as I shovel over hundreds of dollars to pay off my tuition, but hey, at least at the end of my education I actually get something out of it right?

My very own, fancy diploma to be framed and mounted on my wall for all to stare at! 

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Yaaayyy!

When you invest your time into your job, you get rewarded with a nice paycheck. When you invest your hard work into your education, you come out with good grades. However, what do you get when you invest your emotions in your relationship? Your heart is not to ever be taken lightly or gambled with, and at the end of the day, you should always have something to covet or walk away with if you decide to put your heart on the line. That is why I came up with this plan when I first started getting serious with my boyfriend, and I decided to share it with you.

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Set aside a small amount of your own money to put in your savings for every day the two of you are together. 

• That way, if the two of you ever end up getting married, you will have money saved up either for your wedding, your honeymoon, or a house (or really whatever you want). 
• Or, should anything go wrong and you end up parting ways, at least you have the money to invest in yourself to get over your ex with a healthy getaway to reconnect with yourself. (Honeymoon for one anyone?)

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That's exactly what I'm doing right now, and I don't regret a single dollar. It's comforting to know that although I am investing our future together, I will still be safe and basically insured if (knock on wood) anything bad happens. I won't tell you how much money I have saved up so far, but we have been together for over a year so...let's just say I'm pretty well insured for whatever ends up happening in the future.

"But Tina, love isn't about investing in a safety net, it's about going all in with your faith and hoping for the best!"

I've gotten that response from a couple kids before, and I just stare back at them blankly and think, "Get outta here with your high hopes and sunny soul. Go frolick in a meadow of glittery Twilight love somewhere as I get real with my life. Come back to me when you've experienced real love that you can't live without only to have it completely wrenched out of your life, and you have to spend years piecing not only your heart, but your entire self back together. Maybe then we can talk about being smarter with our emotions."

Well, I don't know. Am I crazy? Am I too cautious? Is what I'm doing nothing but a giant contradiction and a slap in the face of love? Should I be more daring? I mean, I thought investing in a solid future that's not even solid was a pretty bold move. I thought investing in happiness was a pretty smart idea. I could be wrong.
Maybe I am crazy and heartless after all.

When My Boyfriend Spends the Night with a Teenage Assasin

At 5:03 a.m. this morning, I woke up to my boyfriend pouncing on me and clawing at my chest. Along with that, he was screaming, "STOP! STOP! STOP!"

I grabbed his hand and ask him, "What are you doing???"

I don't think he heard me at first, because he persisted to frantically throw back the covers and pillows asking me, "Where is it?? Where is it??? Did you find it?"

"Find WHAT?" I asked him.

"THE GRENADE!"

That's the last time I let him stay up until 4 in the morning reading The Hunger Games.

Get outta here Katniss Everdeen; 
I've lost sleep because of you and your awesome adventures.

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Does your boyfriend or girlfriend talk in his/her sleep? Have you ever witnessed a half conscious outburst in the middle of the night by one of your friends or family members? Tell me about it; I love hearing stories about this kind of stuff, because it's just so hilarious! (That is, if no one gets hurt in these events of course.)

I wish I had friends who were more like this:

I hope you all had a wonderful New Year celebration! :)

The Resurrection of a Fickle Scribbler

This is definitely an "Out with the Old, In with the New" kind of deal. Formerly known as "Read, Play, Love", this blog has returned from its extended hiatus. Along with a new look, the content will be taking on a new direction. To all my new readers, this is simply an opportunity for you to get an idea of my writing style, where I come from, and who I am. For my old readers, this is an attempt to update you on where I've been, and to allow you to make the judgement call for yourself as to whether or not this blog is still something you would be interested in being a subscriber of.

When this blog was born in June of 2010, I was all into trying to Carrie Bradshaw my way through life by writing my stories of self discovery and drunk recoveries for the world to read. What can I say? I was twenty-one years old and trying to find myself after getting lost in a year of wasted time and energy on pointless relationships. I was newly single and inexplicably trying to force myself back into a dating scene that I wasn't ready for, only to be left feeling awkward and uncomfortable for the most part. I thought it was cool to go to bars to be smothered by sleazy men who kept shoving drinks in my face. To me, a drunk friend throwing up in the parking lot and crying about how pathetic she was seemed hilarious at the time. My life definitely was not glamorous, but I sure tried to make it seem that way.

Then Fall came, and so began the series of events that both tested my strength and dragged me through the gutter only to bring me to this point in my life where I could not be happier. If any of you can remember (if you can't I don't blame you), I was a rather avid blogger. I was excited to write about my transition from Orange County to San Diego being that I was planning to transfer to the University of San Diego in the Spring. All of that was put to the side when a series of family and financial issues (all of which are too intense and too personal to write about here) put my life on hold. This is where I send out my sincerest apologies to my readers, for simply dropping out of the blogosphere so suddenly.

In the beginning, I felt consumed by an overpowering quarterlife crisis. I was afraid of losing those I loved most; I was afraid I would never be able to achieve my dreams; and worst of all, I was afraid I didn't even know what my dreams were anymore. Yet, after some time and a lot of patience, I was able to pull through the adversities and continue toward my goal of creating a good life for myself. In only nine days, I will be moving three thousand miles away from everything I have always been familiar with to start a new life in Honolulu, Hawaii where I will be student at UH. When this blog was born, I was a single girl trying to find myself before finding the right guy. Now, at twenty-two, I can proudly say that I am very secure with myself, my dreams, and my relationship.

Yes, I did end up allowing myself to have a boyfriend, and there really isn't a single day that I don't feel extremely blessed to have found such an amazing man. Every day, I feel lucky to be his girlfriend, and every time I think about him, I seriously get giddy....even after dating him for almost a year (he's just that handsome I guess). We're definitely a team, and I could talk to him, listen to him, cuddle with him, and stare at him all day every day and not get tired of being around him.....Excuse me...I think I just barfed.

Sorry, did I get all mushy, gushy, squishy, and blushy? GROSS!

ENOUGH! Bottom line is: I'm happy. With myself, my friends and family, my boyfriend, and especially my life. I'm terrified of moving, but I'm excited to be completely on my own.

...Well not entirely.

I almost forgot to mention that my boyfriend and I will be going to the same school, and after much deliberation about finances and transitions, we have decided to move in together at least for the first year we are out there. I'll be living with him and his brother whom I find to be totally fun and adorable. I can't wait for my new life to begin! So, gone are the old posts of my childish reflections, and so awaits a new story about a drastic change and my attempt to transition into a world that is entirely unfamiliar to me. I'm scared, but I think that's normal... I can do this. :)