Happy Thanksgiving! A List of Just a Few Things I'm Always Thankful For:

Life.

My good health.

My amazing parents.

My wonderful boyfriend.

My sweet little dog whom I miss.

My expensive two-bedroom apartment.

My fulfilling education at UH.

My amazing life in Hawai'i.

My awesome friends.

My great job.

Love. 

An Unpleasant Reflection

"A picture is worth more than a blank page. Take out those dusty photo albums. Pick out photo #14. Count however way you like, but make sure you stop at photo #14. Look at the photo for 2-3 minutes, write all the feelings that photograph made you feel. Don't censor yourself. Just write."

I was eighteen in this picture. It was the summer before college started, and I was suffering from what I thought was a broken heart. Later on in my freshman year of college, I came to realize what a broken heart really felt like, and all of that pain made this moment seem like child's play. But I wasn't there yet. At this moment, I had just graduated high school, and the boy I was dating snubbed me for a girl whose pants came off a lot more easily than mine did. I thought it was me. Maybe I was supposed to dumb myself down and slut myself up in order to fit in with this society. It was important that I proved myself to this guy that I could be fun too. I went to all of the coolest nightclubs (as cool as any 18+ club could have been anyway), and danced with as many random guys as I could to prove to this one guy that I was desirable. Simultaneously, I was using these nights out to prove to myself that I was good enough. For what? I didn't know. I still don't know. It wasn't long before I started to take a step back and ask myself, "What the heck am I doing with myself? Why am I doing this? Am I really lowering myself to fit the obviously low standards of a sleazy guy who couldn't care less about me?" This picture was the morning after one of my nights out, and I remember thinking to myself, "This is not who I am. None of this makes me happy. This is getting ridiculous, and it needs to stop before I become any more ridiculous." I have always had a hard time respecting those who failed to respect themselves, and in that moment, I definitely had a very hard time finding a way to respect myself. My image was all wrong. I didn't know who I was at the time, but I knew that I didn't want to be the girl who futilely chased a boy around just to prove that she was worth it. I knew I was worth it to someone who was worthy of me. I knew that I was better than the person I was trying to paint myself to be. I left the club scene after this. Don't get me wrong, I still like to go out from time to time to have a good time with my friends. I am not, in any way, against the bar or club scene. The difference today, however, is that I go out for my own fulfillment of being in the company of great friends. I dress appropriately and drink accordingly. I have tossed out the trashy tactics of minimal clothing and maximum makeup, and adopted a level of class that involves indulging in moderation, and enjoying life to its fullest extent. This picture is a reminder of the day that I pulled myself out of a mess before it became a disaster. What I felt in this picture was shame. What I feel now looking back, is pride. I'm proud of myself for realizing that I am better than what my insecurities fooled me into thinking I was. This was one of the lower points in my life, but I am thankful for those low points, because they motivate me to constantly strive to become a better person today than I was yesterday.

Right Where I Left Off

Two months ago I booked a one-way flight to Portland, Oregon. My boyfriend and I got accepted to the University of Oregon, and we were excited to begin our new lives as Ducks. Within these last two months, there has been a whirlwind of emotions about whether or not I even wanted to move anymore. The stress of the move was extremely overwhelming to say the very least, and it even landed me a trip to Urgent Care.

My friends were all very worried about me, and they tried to offer me advice to help in any way they were able to. My boyfriend, having to already carry his own burden of stress, was at his wit's end trying to figure out what to do to save me from the emotional and physical strain that I was in. My mom wrote me countless emails and called me constantly, begging me to "just come home" to her. She wanted me to let her take care of me. My boyfriend wanted me to let him in, and my friends wanted me to take their advice to heart. I think there was a point where I found myself in a fetal position on my bedroom floor not knowing what to do with myself because I am so steadfast on keeping everyone out, and the fact that everyone in my life was trying to find a way in simply knocked the wind out of me. That was why I made the decision to just move and figure it all out once I got to Portland.

My flight to Portland left at 8:00 a.m. this morning, and on it I was not.

There are many reasons that played into my decision to stay in Hawaii. The main one is being that my life was just starting to pick up here. School has been going really well aside from that one B+ that ruined my perfect 4.0 GPA (I'm just now starting to get over it), and also I was recently promoted at my job. If I transferred my job to Oregon, I would have had to go back to my previous position with no benefits at all. Not ideal. Also, I was lucky enough to build a strong network of friends and coworkers, and I did not want to have to start again from square one in yet another place where I don't know a single soul aside from my boyfriend. Speaking of the boyfriend, yes he is staying with me. The debate over whether or not we should stay was not easy on our relationship, because there was a possibility that we might have had to split up. In the end, we realized that the two of us have come too far after almost two years of being together to even think about leaving each other just for a new school when we are already in a good school already.

I know that this isn't much of a change now that I am not moving back across the Pacific Ocean. To many, it may seem like an anticlimactic end to a long series of stress and turmoil, but to me, I am very excited about continuing my life here in Hawaii. I have been looking at everything with such sadness, not knowing when I will ever be able to see it again. Now, I even feel excited when I see the Ala Moana Shopping Center, knowing that I still get to shop at such an awesome mall! Also, I am happy to still be able to swim with turtles and eat the best pineapples in the world.

This is my city. This is my paradise.

Taken from my hike to the top of Diamond Head.

Oh, the little things...

The Storm Within Has Finally Subsided

Yesterday, as I was standing alone in my kitchen eating almonds and admiring the view outside my window, I felt a sense of personal satisfaction that I have been seeking for an immeasurable amount of time now. Maybe it's all the yoga I recently picked up again after months of not practicing it. Maybe it was the beautiful view of the evening sky, or maybe it was the fact that my almonds were fantastically delicious. Whatever it was that brought on this inner peace, it was definitely long awaited and graciously welcomed. Here are some things that I realized that range from a rather material sense to an inner and more spiritual one:

• I am truly, 100% independent and living my own life. I have been doing this for awhile now, but I finally realized just how financially stable I have managed to become despite all of my current obligations. Rent, bills, and tuition aside, I'm living extremely comfortably, and I often catch myself thinking, "So this must be what it feels like to be a successful adult who is responsible with her own income"
• My relationship is 100% drama free, and I couldn't imagine being happier with anyone else. I can even say that without having to worry about knocking on any wood, because I am that confident in my relationship with my boyfriend. After a year and a half, I have finally realized that you are not stripped of your independence just because you decide to let someone else into your life. Sharing your life with someone does not mean you are giving up yours, and I am grateful to be with a man who allows me to do my own thing whenever I please, but will always be there right away whenever I need him. 
• Although I still harbor some hurt feelings from my past, I no longer hold any grudges with anyone. I have definitely been hurt by many people, and placed in situations that were less than favorable, but I have realized over the years that most of the time, anger is just a waste of time. I am who I am because of everything that I have experienced in my life. It does not make me better or worse than anybody else; it simply makes me...me. I wish everyone in my past the very best in life, and hope that we can meet again in the future to share the joys in our lives together. For now, I understand that we all need to journey on our own paths in order to allow our individual identities to fully evolve. If our paths cross, great; if not, I can only hope for the best in everyone.

I know this may all seem like a load of hippie talk to you, but these things are the main issues that I have been struggling with for a very long time. My financial burdens are pretty recent considering how I didn't move out on my own until very recently in August of 2011. The second two points, however, are issues that I have battled with for a very long time now.

I have always sought the comfort of being loved (as I assume most people do). Unfortunately I carry with me a very dark past that hinders me from allowing myself to care for someone wholeheartedly, and considering how my past is a part of who I am, I have always been in constant denial of myself. It wasn't until recently, when I learned to accept myself without my tainted armor of sheer arrogance that has grown thicker over the years of constantly trying to render myself the victor in the battle between settling for conformity and striving for individuality, that I have been able to understand what it is like to care for another person without always having to be the one who holds the upper hand.

When it comes down to it, I have decided that it doesn't matter if you love me or not, I will love you regardless, because that is what you deserve; also, it doesn't matter who is in control, because in the end, we are all led by the hands of fate. That last bit about fate came to me when I was talking to my best friend back in California about the concerns and insecurities I have in regards to my education and career. She told me, quite simply,

"Everyone's path is different and paved specifically for them by God. Don't mess with the Big Guy's plans for you. He has your every desire in mind. Just keep trusting that someone is looking out for you."

As much as I preach about growth coming from within, I would be so lost without my family and friends. It is so comforting to know that I can always turn to them in my time of need and they will always know exactly just what to say. I couldn't be more grateful for them. I don't know what has gotten into me, but I hope it stays for awhile. I have really needed this time in Hawai'i not just to grow, but to realize that I am all I have, and if I can't make peace with that, I will be fighting a long and harrowing internal war until the day I die. It's about time I accepted everything for what it is, and moved on.

Then again, it could just be the undeniable beauty I am living in that is allowing all this contentment to consume me...

Paradise brings out the beauty in all of us.

I'M SORRY OK?????

I'm sorry I haven't been updating lately. I could blame it on the stress and the hectic nature of the new semester, but I've decided to leave all excuses aside and simply face the facts.

I suck at blogging.

In the time since my last post, I have lost three followers. THREE!

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Anyway, I've decided to post this blog to:

1. Ensure you all that I am still alive.
2. Issue my thanks for those of you who are still sticking around. I am grateful for all of you.

Speaking of gratitude, it's been a while since I've posted about things that I am grateful for, and one of the key essentials to living a happy life is to constantly count your blessings.

So here we are, ten things that I am especially grateful for:

1. My job. I love everything about it.
2. My awesome boyfriend. I seriously lucked out with this guy.
3. My supportive parents. I love them to pieces.
4. My good health. We are such fragile beings, and we really are so fortunate to be alive.
5. My apartment. It may be expensive, but it's home.
6. My education. It may be expensive, but it gets me to where I need to be. 
7. My friends, both back home, and here. I would be so awkward without them.
8. Technology. Most days. 
9. LITERATURE. Where would we be without it???
10. My dog back home. I miss him so much, but he makes my parents really happy. 

This is Mika. He's a boy, and I'm pretty sure he's gay too. The love of my life is a gay mutt. Deal with it.

So there you have it, the ten things I woke up feeling grateful for this morning. Remember, 

.

I hope you all have a wonderful, fun, SAFE, and exciting Superbowl Sunday. 

I'm not going to tell you who I'm rooting for but...

Just When I Thought I Had it All Figured Out..

I'd like to take a moment to get serious and personal here. No, no one died (thank goodness), and I'm not ill (again, thank goodness). I just needed to put it out there that I am extremely torn with my career aspirations. Aaaand this is where most of you tune out and try to find a more interesting blog to read/stare at.


Those of you still reading, I thank you for sticking with me.

I had a couple errands to run this morning, among them was getting my hand treated from yet another nasty bug bite. Along the way, I had a lot of time to think about what I'm doing right now, and where I intend to be in the future. That was when I realized I have been ignoring this nagging question at the back of my mind for quite some time now,

"What the hell are you doing Tina?"

I moved here to Hawaii to study English Literature with a concentration in Creative Writing. After that, I planned to move to the east coast to pursue my Masters degree in Higher Education Administration. Even saying all of that makes me feel high and mighty...but that's exactly the problem. All I want to do with my life is write, and I know I can succeed with that sort of career. However, I worry it won't be stable enough, which is why I also want to go into education. But really. Is being an administrator at a college or university really what I want to do with the rest of my life? Of course, I had this brilliant plan to be a novelist on the side, but really. Come on!

Looking back on this post and seeing all my woes staring back at me from my screen really makes me feel like even more of an idiot. I feel so foolish and confused. I'm freakin' twenty-two years old, and I refuse to surrender to the relentless holds of convention. I sound like an idiot, but the sad thing is: I'm completely serious about everything I'm saying. I don't want to be a slave to a daily grind for the next forty or so years of my life until I'm able to retire, but I just don't know of any alternatives.

In all honesty, I am simply too scared to completely dive in and pursue my passion of writing. That's all that it is. I'm holding on to this idea that I'm going to be a successful administrator like it's a lifeline in case I fail at complete happiness, but that's exactly the problem. I will never know what the world has to offer if I continue to wade along in this state of limbo. What I need to do is put all my faith in myself and just go after what I want.

So, first of all, I want to completely concentrate on creative writing. Secondly, the University of Hawaii has a horrible creative writing program. So...

I think I'm going to move. Again. 
Yes, I'm being completely serious.

Class vs. Sass: Making a Living Off of Temperance

Self-mastery (Temperance)

• Acquired ability to say "no" to ourselves and our lower inclinations.
• Habit of waiting for rewards, and earning them.
• Enjoying pleasures and goods in moderation: food, drink, entertainment, even work itself.
• Lifelong habit of saying (and meaning): please, thank you, I'm sorry, and I give my word....
• Habit of living courtesy and good manners toward everyone, without exception, and doing this even in the face of rudeness or provocation.
• In a word, ``class'': self-restraint, etiquette, healthy self-respect, active concern for the dignity and needs of all around us, an active spirit of service.

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As the final installment of The Virtue Vows, I closed out this project by differentiating when and when not to be a smartass. My job is known for stellar customer service, and sometimes I feel like the customers I deal with like to take advantage of our renowned service. My job has taught me that regardless of whether or not someone is justified in their rude tactics, it never helps to provoke them with an icy attitude. I know I've said this before, but I really am grateful for my job, because in no other situation would you catch this girl biting her tongue in the midst of a rude exchange. This job has really taught me a lot about self-restraint, and that it really isn't necessary to tell someone off for being rude to you, especially if it could cost you your job. Temperance, especially for me, is not a virtue that can be mastered over night or even in a week. I'm not saying that I'm the world's most graceful woman, but I can attest to the fact that grace is a gradual attribute that can only be acquired through years of patience and good nature. I think that I've grown a lot from that wild adolescent who used welcome any kind of cat fight if given the opportunity. For some, this may seem as a shocker, but for others Tina getting into a cat fight is old news.

I don't think I'll ever lose my hint of sass, and among my friends I'm sure I will always be known as the sarcastic smartass. However, I would like to think that over the years I have developed a sense of class to accompany the sass. No longer do I feel the need to prove anything to anybody; I think that goes with trying to become a graceful woman who is confident enough in her own ways to turn the other cheek when provoked. There have been many opportunities in the past year when I was harassed (via facebook, twitter, prank calls, and text messages) that I could have responded with my usual sharp tongue, but for some reason I held it. In the end I realized that once the annoyance subsided, I was able to see clearly each time who the bigger person really was. I'm glad I never stooped to the lowly level of reciprocating in the rude things that certain people have said to me (or about me).


Here are some tactics that I have developed over the years of being around crazy people:


If someone wants to be rude to your face, let them. If others see this, it's even better. It does not make you look like a loser if you respond with  indifference or kindness, but rather, you end up inadvertently showcasing said person's true colors for the world to see while simultaneously displaying your grace and temperance.

The same goes for when people decide to bash you all over their facebook page or twitter feed. What better opportunity for the other person to look like an idiot than on a public network? If anyone knows who the person is talking about, they are most likely going to look you up and check for your response; don't supply the opportunity for petty entertainment. Just let the rant go on as a one-sided bitch fest on the other person's end...trust me, the amount of pathetic that these people end up coming off as is hilarious.

Should you ever be privately harassed via prank calls or rude text messages...well, first of all I hope none of you ever make the same mistake I made in befriending people with the maturity of a pre-teen, but if this does ever happen to you, I suggest getting some sort of Psycho Person Block app. I have one for my BlackBerry, and it has worked wonders.

There are a lot of apps like this that are generally free, but for the sake of my sanity, this was the best $2.99 I've ever spent. :)

I am lucky enough to have four days off from work to study, and it has been the perfect time to sit back and take a breather from all the downtown madness that I deal with on a daily basis. I have my finals tomorrow, then it's back to work on Wednesday for the rest of the week. Every day is a test on our virtues, and I'm truly glad that I did this project. To be able to focus and refine each of these virtues has been a great challenge, and I encourage all who have been reading to give it a try. Happy holidays everyone!

Life as I Know It

With finals looming in the horizon, it is only natural that I suddenly develop a knack to think of everything else except for what I need to study for. Like most college students, procrastination is a mastered talent that holds detrimental consequences to my academic career if I indulge in too much of it. Anyway, I have done a lot of day dreaming ever since I locked myself away in study mode, and one of the things I often catch myself doing is looking through all the snapshots I've taken on my BlackBerry since I moved here. I have decided to share these photos with you in hopes of providing a glimpse into my new life.

Living in Hawai'i entails:

Nasty Bug Bites

 This is a shot of my ankle in an extremely swollen state as the result of a horrible bug bite.

I don't want to know what happened there suffice it to say that it healed rather quickly.

Chopping Off the Mane

I cut off over ten inches of hair due to the unbearable heat, and donated the hair to Locks of Love.

 The result has been so much easier to manage!

L&L Hawaiian BBQ inside of Walmart Instead of McDonald's

Huh????

Intruders in Our Home

 Some were cute...

Others not so much.

Sharing the Road with Wildlife

I spotted him as I was rushing to catch the bus to work.

Friendly Strays

This guy comes around to our apartment every once in a while, and he always likes to play with my boyfriend!

Ballsy Birds

He was going to stop at nothing to get to my vegan enchiladas!

Beautiful Beaches

 Waikiki Beach: a short walk from our home.

 The sand here is unbelievably soft!

Hanging out at Kaneohe Bay: the location where Pirates of the Caribbean 4 was filmed. No big.

Beautiful Storms

Daily Rainbows

It's been almost four months since I moved out here, and life has definitely been interesting to say the least. There have been hard times, and I've had my fair share of uncomfortable moments, but for the most part, I have truly enjoyed this entire experience. I can't wait for what's in store. :) How's everyone doing with finals? I hope you aren't killing yourselves over the stress. For those of you who do not have finals to worry about, I hope you have been enjoying your holiday season. :)

Stay tuned for my next post which will be the last installment of The Virtue Vows. This week, I have been focusing on Temperance, and I can't wait to fill you in on my endeavors!

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The Epiphany and the Makeover

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I had a dream that my blog was called "Breakfast at Tina's". So, with "Breakfast at Tiffany's" being one of my favorite movies of all time, I naturally had to act upon my dream and completely make over my blog, domain and all. So what do you think??? I hope you like it.

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Anyway, back to The Virtue Vows. This week, I will be covering both the second and third installment of the four virtues I have chosen to work on.

Last week, I focused on responsibility, and this week I am working on personal courage. If ever there was a perfect time to bring the two virtues together, it would be now. Before I get to the details of my daunting situation, I think it's important to provide you with some highlights from the link provided above on what I have been focussing on this week.

Personal Courage (Fortitude)

- Acquired ability to overcome or endure difficulties: pain, inconvenience, disappointment, setbacks, worry, tedium.

- Habit of overcoming anxiety through purposeful, honorable action.


- Attitude of seeing escape as something unworthy, even dishonorable.


- Realization that "anticipation" is usually worse than "reality." Projected problems are generally lighter and easier than we expect them to be.

-Confidence in problem-solving abilities, built through lifetime practice in solving problems.


-Determination to overcome personal shortcomings. If we are shy, we learn to be friendly and a "good listener." If we are impulsive, we practice restraint and reflection about consequences. If we are lazy, we strive toward purposeful action. If we do not understand something, we make effort to study.

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The way I see it, courage and responsibility are two virtues that definitely go hand in hand. Not all who are courageous are responsible, but all those who are responsible are courageous. It takes true bravery to be able to face one's iniquities and personally change for the better.

When I got out of the shower this morning, my BlackBerry was flashing with an email from my bank notifying me that my account was in overdraft. Turns out, UH pulled the majority of my spring tuition out of my personal banking account instead of my financial aid account. What's worse? I was charged with an overdraft fee from my bank, and a rejected check fee from my school. What can get worse than that?

Rent was due today.

I spent all of fifteen minutes freaking out about what I was going to do with rent and tuition, then I told myself, there is no way that I should have to bear the burden of my school's mistake, and I will do everything in my power to ensure that this gets taken care of. I will get next semester's tuition paid off in time, and I will have enough money to cover this month's rent (even if that means I have to dip into my savings for now). What I learned from all of this is:

Taking responsibility over your life means everything will work out because you will make it work out, and you can only be defeated if you allow yourself to be.

When all else fails in life, the only thing I can count on is my determination. Everything will be ok, because I will make it ok. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving break. :)

The Virtue Vows: A Series of Discovery and Self Improvement

I have decided to take on a personal challenge to become a better person.

Now, those of you who have known me for quite some time now or have followed me here from my older blogs know that there are two things about the above statement that need to be put out there:

1. I love personal challenges.
2. Self-improvement isn't easy for someone as self-absorbed and prideful as I am.

That being said, let's get down to it.

Since my last post, I stumbled upon this article entitled "An Overview of the Virtues". It's a list of virtues and attributes that one should be mindful of each and every day. Then, it as if the blog gods were shining down on me, I was finally struck by inspiration for a series of posts. As I was reading the list, the know-it-all smartass in me was thinking, "Are these pompous, blazer-wearing, lacrosse-playing, trust funded Columbia students trying to lecture me on how to be a better person?" It was then, that my sordid thought was quickly followed by a convicting realization that I was betraying one of the virtues on the list.

Personally, I don't consider myself to be some sort of villain, but on the other hand, I'm definitely nothing close to saintlike. However, I amone who is known to quickly jump to conclusions and dish out words of wisdom and advice as if I already know what it takes to take on life with nothing but common sense and a nice smile. I was raised by two very strong-willed parents, each possessing outstanding moral compasses. As the saying goes, "No one is perfect", and I for one can definitely attest that I am far from perfect regardless of how well I was raised.

I have thought about how I'm going to take on this challenge, and I have decided to spend each week of the following month getting in touch with one of the four virtues: prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance. I will keep a personal journal in which I will record my daily reflections of my actions and thoughts, and at least once every week, I will update my readers on the progress of each virtue. The idea is to finish out the year as a more refined character, ready to take on the new year with a newfound insight and diplomatic grace. Among that list I have decided to add on a daily focus just to challenge myself even further (ohhh, how I love doing that). Every day, I am going to try to also focus on gratitude. Since I feel that I can often be rather annoying and whiny about my past and present situations, I figured practicing daily gratitude would help me live a more fulfilled life. So, without much further ado, I am going post my first gratitude. Drumroll please...

I am grateful to simply be alive.

Feel cheated? I wouldn't think so. I have lost many close friends and family members who had so much going for them and so much to offer, that I figured this was a good place to start out with expressing how grateful I am that I am able to wake up every day with something to give to the world and the ability to work toward my goals. Haven't you ever had that dream where you were dead? I have, and the only feeling I remember having upon waking up is sadness that I couldn't continue living. Life is such a beautiful gift, and I am grateful for each and every day that I have been given of it.

Here are some snap shots of the beauty in my life and things that I have been grateful for since my move to Hawai'i:

Adventures at Cromwell's Beach with friends.

Swap meet lovin' with my parents.

The abundance of extraordinary birds.

Double rainbow all the way across the skyyy!!

So, to wrap things up in preparation for a rather interesting month, I am very excited to take on this challenge, and if any of you reading this feel like joining me, you are more than welcome to do so. I am simply following the list in that article and practicing (with extra care) the attributes listed. By the end of the month, I plan to make Prudence, Justice, Fortitude, Temperance, and Gratitude my new best friends. First up for this week is: Prudence, the virtue of sound judgement. In this next week, I will open my mind to practice respect for others and their cultures, life experiences, and the causes and effects of each circumstance. The main challenge will be the, "Ability to recognize the good, the true, and the beautiful; and to discern thee from the evil, the false, and the sordid."

I know this all may sound nuts to you, but honestly, this is a project for myself and my own personal growth, and I can't freakin' wait to take it on!

Stay tuned...

There is No Destination Without a Journey

My parents are here to visit for the week, and I think their being here is easing the stress of midterms week. In the flurry of catching up with novels upon novels of reading for my classes, it's surprising to think that I managed to find the time to pull away and gather my thoughts. I admit, I haven't had much time to myself lately which means I haven't had much time to really reflect on the changes that have settled in my life.

It's been two months since I've moved here, and although I still really miss having my family and support unit around me at all times, I've come to a couple of realizations that have spawned from my appreciation for my friends and family and everything they have given me. When I was living in Orange County with my parents, I thought I was pretty independent of them compared to almost everyone I knew who was my age and still living with their parents. I mean, with the exception of rent, I was working to pay for everything else that I wanted or needed. When I compared myself to other people, I felt like mentally and financially I definitely had what it takes to make something out of myself when I decided to throw myself three thousand miles into the middle of the ocean to live on an island. Little did I know that what I had anticipated to be an extended staycation in a tropical paradise was soon going to prove itself to be a sink or swim situation.

Out here on my own and away from all the trivial standards that have always seemed to have been inexplicably enforced upon the youth in my old society, I am realizing more and more how ridiculously silly it is for anyone to compare his or her life to that of another person. I have always been one to stress the importance of living on your own timeline regardless of how fast the hands of time were ticking in society's social time clock. When it comes to making decisions about my life, I am very secure (and at times rather stubborn) with what I want to do. However, I now realize that I still need to fully practice what I preach as far as comparing myself to others. I need to realize that maturity is not measured solely on how hard you work, how well you do in school, or how much money you make.

There is so much that goes in to determining the amount of wisdom and grace that an individual holds, and these things can be acquired in so many different ways. I thought that because I was working three different jobs and paying my own bills that I was some sort of wise and established young lady. I thought that because of the amount of hardships that I endured throughout my years that I was entitled to showers of respect and praise by default. I have realized, however, that hardships and struggles are not weighed on the same scale for everyone. What may seem like a petty situation to one person may be an overwhelming catastrophe to another depending on the person and the life they live. These are things that I realized before moving here, and I thought that I knew all there is to know about being a young woman on my own, but of course there is so much more than I foolishly assumed.

I would like to think that over the years I have grown more and more appreciative of my parents and everything they have given me; however, this experience of finally being completely on my own has really put me in their shoes and made me realize that there is so much more to being independent than just paying your bills on time. Before, the extra money that I earned went to new clothes or extravagant outings with my friends. Now, anything extra that I earn is designated to ensure that I will still have a roof over my head with running water and electricity for the next month. Living with my parents, it seemed as though everything, from my home to my education, was all at my disposal. Now I understand the reason why my dad has always stressed the importance of being...not frugal, but practical with my money. I think that being out here has also opened my eyes to just how valuable my education really is considering how I am the one who now has to pay my own way through school.

My education has always been a coveted blessing that I will always be so grateful to receive; but the value that I hold on it now is so much more than it has been before considering how I am mainly working to pay for my tuition because I don't have much in loans, and my parents are not supporting me through this almost rebellious decision to go to school out here. I told my coworkers, "I didn't move three thousand miles out here to get a B average." I thought that came out rather snooty, but that was when it hit me. As I was saying that I realized, I'm actually here living out the life I wanted to live, and I better make the most out of this experience because otherwise the tears I shed as I longed for my friends and family would be futile if I come back with nothing to show for my prolonged absence.

Now, more than ever, I have realized that I am responsible and accountable for everything I want, need, and own. This realization of how it's all on me from here on out is not so much a scolding of how "the pressure is on", so much as it an eye opener to seeing life as the bigger picture with every action playing a significant role that brings every course of my life together in the end of one long journey. It is encouraging to realize that my actions and efforts will never be futile, but rather beneficial in the long run. I am grateful that, growing up, my parents guided me well yet they still managed to allow me to find my way on my own using the guidance they provided me with. Amidst the chaos of conformity in the Orange County bubble, I was fortunate enough to be able to hold on to myself and stay grounded enough to carry the roots of my experiences with me to live out this pivotal chapter in my life.

I know that I've probably been the worst blogger to date, but I really hope that you as my reader can find it within yourself to understand that I am still trying to settle in and find my niche in this new place, and all this exploring and searching has made it a little difficult to keep all my thoughts gathered in one place long enough to sit down and hash out a quality blog post within one sitting. Anyway, all of my recent thoughts and appreciations can be summed up by the words Jason Mraz in his song "Life is Wonderful". The song is about how everything comes from something else and that the beauty of life comes full circle. Although there have definitely been times in these past two months when I felt defeated with frustration, I had to remind myself that it takes a journey to reach a destination, and that the struggles in my life are meant to make me truly appreciate the joys that come along. I am not saying that it's going to be all sunshine and rainbows from here on out (although it really is basically all sunshine and rainbows in the sky over here most of the time), but should I ever feel defeated again, I need to remember that it takes some emptiness to know what true fulfillment is. Anyway, I put the song on here, and I encourage you to listen to it if you haven't already heard it. I really think it will make your day just that much more wonderful. :)

Symphonies of the City

A baby is screaming and the police sirens are blaring. 


Somewhere downstairs, a girl yells, "Get the FUCK out you FUCKING asshole!"


A door slams, and a man yells incoherently. Another girl (or perhaps the same one) begs loudly, "Stop it, stop it right now! I said STOP IT!!!"


An engine roars, and with the screech of some tires, the yelling stops. 


The baby continues to cry, and the sirens continue to go off.

~

The sounds in my neighborhood paint a very colorful picture of the life around me. As I'm typing, an ambulance is wailing down the streets, and if I'm lucky, they might stop long enough to unmask the sound of the baby's cries that seemingly last all day and all night.

I wonder where its mother is.

Just across the main street and the canal, lies Waikiki Beach. A tourist location that consists of music bumping in the background, glasses clinking, and the occasional laughter erupting nearby. The tourists engage in the hustle and bustle of merriment and joy that goes on every night, completely unaware of the dysfunctional reality outside of their vacation oasis.

This isn't suburban Orange County anymore. Life actually continues past 9pm out here, and people aren't afraid to take their issues to the streets. I've realized that there's no point in holding on to inhibitions out here, because events that are normally classified as crazy and outrageous are a common occurrence in the city. No need to worry about people talking about how weird you are, because they've probably seen someone or something a lot weirder, and they've probably already seen it several times that day already. It very much feels like I moved to Los Angeles, but with a different vibe that I still can't quite put my finger on. I'll elaborate on that once I can truly identify the atmosphere.

Honolulu isn't all bad. I guess the dysfunction is a required feature when it comes to the whole package of living in an urban city. Sleeping has been coming much more easily lately, so I guess that means I'm adjusting to the chaos.

I promise I'll try to update more frequently. I understand that my blogging status has plummeted these past few weeks, and in all honesty, I simply haven't been focussed enough to sit down and find just one thing to write about. I think my only readers are a couple faithful followers, the occasional newcomers, and a dedicated stalker. I do believe it's time to branch out more in the blogosphere.

The Resurrection of a Fickle Scribbler

This is definitely an "Out with the Old, In with the New" kind of deal. Formerly known as "Read, Play, Love", this blog has returned from its extended hiatus. Along with a new look, the content will be taking on a new direction. To all my new readers, this is simply an opportunity for you to get an idea of my writing style, where I come from, and who I am. For my old readers, this is an attempt to update you on where I've been, and to allow you to make the judgement call for yourself as to whether or not this blog is still something you would be interested in being a subscriber of.

When this blog was born in June of 2010, I was all into trying to Carrie Bradshaw my way through life by writing my stories of self discovery and drunk recoveries for the world to read. What can I say? I was twenty-one years old and trying to find myself after getting lost in a year of wasted time and energy on pointless relationships. I was newly single and inexplicably trying to force myself back into a dating scene that I wasn't ready for, only to be left feeling awkward and uncomfortable for the most part. I thought it was cool to go to bars to be smothered by sleazy men who kept shoving drinks in my face. To me, a drunk friend throwing up in the parking lot and crying about how pathetic she was seemed hilarious at the time. My life definitely was not glamorous, but I sure tried to make it seem that way.

Then Fall came, and so began the series of events that both tested my strength and dragged me through the gutter only to bring me to this point in my life where I could not be happier. If any of you can remember (if you can't I don't blame you), I was a rather avid blogger. I was excited to write about my transition from Orange County to San Diego being that I was planning to transfer to the University of San Diego in the Spring. All of that was put to the side when a series of family and financial issues (all of which are too intense and too personal to write about here) put my life on hold. This is where I send out my sincerest apologies to my readers, for simply dropping out of the blogosphere so suddenly.

In the beginning, I felt consumed by an overpowering quarterlife crisis. I was afraid of losing those I loved most; I was afraid I would never be able to achieve my dreams; and worst of all, I was afraid I didn't even know what my dreams were anymore. Yet, after some time and a lot of patience, I was able to pull through the adversities and continue toward my goal of creating a good life for myself. In only nine days, I will be moving three thousand miles away from everything I have always been familiar with to start a new life in Honolulu, Hawaii where I will be student at UH. When this blog was born, I was a single girl trying to find myself before finding the right guy. Now, at twenty-two, I can proudly say that I am very secure with myself, my dreams, and my relationship.

Yes, I did end up allowing myself to have a boyfriend, and there really isn't a single day that I don't feel extremely blessed to have found such an amazing man. Every day, I feel lucky to be his girlfriend, and every time I think about him, I seriously get giddy....even after dating him for almost a year (he's just that handsome I guess). We're definitely a team, and I could talk to him, listen to him, cuddle with him, and stare at him all day every day and not get tired of being around him.....Excuse me...I think I just barfed.

Sorry, did I get all mushy, gushy, squishy, and blushy? GROSS!

ENOUGH! Bottom line is: I'm happy. With myself, my friends and family, my boyfriend, and especially my life. I'm terrified of moving, but I'm excited to be completely on my own.

...Well not entirely.

I almost forgot to mention that my boyfriend and I will be going to the same school, and after much deliberation about finances and transitions, we have decided to move in together at least for the first year we are out there. I'll be living with him and his brother whom I find to be totally fun and adorable. I can't wait for my new life to begin! So, gone are the old posts of my childish reflections, and so awaits a new story about a drastic change and my attempt to transition into a world that is entirely unfamiliar to me. I'm scared, but I think that's normal... I can do this. :)