Right Where I Left Off

Two months ago I booked a one-way flight to Portland, Oregon. My boyfriend and I got accepted to the University of Oregon, and we were excited to begin our new lives as Ducks. Within these last two months, there has been a whirlwind of emotions about whether or not I even wanted to move anymore. The stress of the move was extremely overwhelming to say the very least, and it even landed me a trip to Urgent Care.

My friends were all very worried about me, and they tried to offer me advice to help in any way they were able to. My boyfriend, having to already carry his own burden of stress, was at his wit's end trying to figure out what to do to save me from the emotional and physical strain that I was in. My mom wrote me countless emails and called me constantly, begging me to "just come home" to her. She wanted me to let her take care of me. My boyfriend wanted me to let him in, and my friends wanted me to take their advice to heart. I think there was a point where I found myself in a fetal position on my bedroom floor not knowing what to do with myself because I am so steadfast on keeping everyone out, and the fact that everyone in my life was trying to find a way in simply knocked the wind out of me. That was why I made the decision to just move and figure it all out once I got to Portland.

My flight to Portland left at 8:00 a.m. this morning, and on it I was not.

There are many reasons that played into my decision to stay in Hawaii. The main one is being that my life was just starting to pick up here. School has been going really well aside from that one B+ that ruined my perfect 4.0 GPA (I'm just now starting to get over it), and also I was recently promoted at my job. If I transferred my job to Oregon, I would have had to go back to my previous position with no benefits at all. Not ideal. Also, I was lucky enough to build a strong network of friends and coworkers, and I did not want to have to start again from square one in yet another place where I don't know a single soul aside from my boyfriend. Speaking of the boyfriend, yes he is staying with me. The debate over whether or not we should stay was not easy on our relationship, because there was a possibility that we might have had to split up. In the end, we realized that the two of us have come too far after almost two years of being together to even think about leaving each other just for a new school when we are already in a good school already.

I know that this isn't much of a change now that I am not moving back across the Pacific Ocean. To many, it may seem like an anticlimactic end to a long series of stress and turmoil, but to me, I am very excited about continuing my life here in Hawaii. I have been looking at everything with such sadness, not knowing when I will ever be able to see it again. Now, I even feel excited when I see the Ala Moana Shopping Center, knowing that I still get to shop at such an awesome mall! Also, I am happy to still be able to swim with turtles and eat the best pineapples in the world.

This is my city. This is my paradise.

Taken from my hike to the top of Diamond Head.

Oh, the little things...

Wading in the Water

You know that feeling of hesitance mixed with a hint of fear when you decide to first test out the water at the beach? The sun feels great on your skin just like it does every other day, and you're already very comfortable on the sand, but you want more. You dip your toes into the water only to find that it is shockingly cold, and in the midst of your shock and horror, you look up to find that even the waves look pretty intimidating too. So, you decide to stand far up on the sand, allowing the water to splash over your feet (if it manages to reach you). You're pretty content with sticking to what makes you comfortable, and you're not in any rush to change that.

That's how I was about a year ago with the culture shock I received when I moved here to Hawai'i. 

In the beginning, I was very adamant about holding on to my Californian identity. I was hesitant to make friends, because I knew I would leave them one day, and I don't do well with goodbyes. The city was overwhelming, and the people intimidated me. It was all so new to me, and I was worried that I would forget where I came from; so I tried to distance myself as much as possible from everyone and everything. I made a couple of friends in the beginning who tried to introduce me to the culture out here, but it felt like I was always standing back on the sand, not really wanting the culture to wash over me. Some of them managed to reach me, but when that happened, I just stepped a little further back. It's not that I refused to get acquainted, it was simply that I was not ready to let go of where I came from, but I was still curious enough to experience the place in low doses. 

In January, I became so homesick for what I was familiar with, that I made the decision to move back to the mainland and transfer to a school up north. It was this decision to move that has kept me from this blog lately, because I have finally decided to dive into the island culture before I have to leave it indefinitely.

When your friends are all in the water, laughing and taking on the waves, you can see that they are having a great time, and you can't help but realize how foolish you look standing there at the edge of the water, hugging yourself in fear of getting wet. You've already made the decision to go to the beach; so you suck it up, and dive completely into the water. The shock of the cold water washes over you, and turns into a rush of adrenaline when you realize that you actually did it; you're still alive, and you can't believe you didn't do this sooner. 

When I realized that I only had two months left here in Hawai'i, I tried to take in as much as I could before I have to leave here. I have made a good amount of great friends who have been so wonderful and generous to me, and have been the closest thing to a family that I have out here in a place where I didn't know a single person to start out with. I love it here. I'm happy here, and I can't believe I didn't allow myself to live this life sooner.

It's ironic how I finally have a life going for myself out here, and I realize that I have to leave in two weeks.

It's like when you are in the water, and it's time to go home. You don't want to get back out of the water, because the temperature of the air is now foreign to you, and you know that it's going to be cold. Plus, you just got in, and you want a little more time to enjoy the experience. I don't want to get out of the water. I have acclimated to the unknown, and I am comfortable. I don't want to leave, but I know I have to eventually. I know this move is going to be hard. I know I'm going to be sad for awhile when I'm back on the mainland, but what can I do? I already made the decision to move. I need to suck it up, and go.