Thoughts Gone Wild (Honolulu Edition)

If you've ever wondered what a silent emotional meltdown looked like, your chance to witness one of life's most peculiar phenomenons has finally arrived.

It's 3am here, and my mind is racing with an immeasurable amount of useless thoughts. I can't tell if I'm anxious, or stressed out, or just plain neurotic. My thoughts have ranged from a slightly healthy desire to reorganize my life, to a painfully self-inflicted episode of self loathing. Was the decision to stay in Hawaii really a smart move? Does this mean that my life has become stagnant because I never progressed with the move to Portland? Am I hurting anyone with this decision to stay? What the eff am I doing with my life? What the eff am I going to do with my life? Who can I talk to about any of this right now? Who cares? Why can't I fall asleep? Why did I ever agree to come in to work at 7:30am?

In times like these, I need to remind myself that within the problem lies the solution. Here I am trying to work my life out in my head, when life isn't meant to be figured out; it's meant to be lived. Whatever happens, happens. As far as my need for a change (or at least some significant sign of progress) is concerned, none of that can be found if all I do is sit around and analyze the same things over and over again.

I thought that staying would ease my mind of stressful thoughts about moving. The thoughts of moving are gone, but the stress is still here. I'm scrambling to recollect all the aspects of my life here that I created for myself and threw away once I realized I was going to be leaving. It's funny how often I told myself I would laugh if I spent all this time saying goodbye to my life here only to find out that I won't be leaving any time soon.

It's not that funny really. What am I supposed to do now? Continue on as if nothing has changed? Well, nothing has changed, yet I still feel like I'm recovering from a life-changing and slightly traumatic event.

I need to get a grip and get over myself. Also, I need to get real. The fact that I consider the opportunity to continue my life in paradise to be a traumatic experience is a clear indication that I do not harness the emotional capacity to withstand true trauma like the unforeseeable loss of a loved one (God forbid). Sometimes, I really annoy myself. Maybe I should stop here. I've been battling a slight case of nausea all night, and I think I inadvertently turned that into a slew of word vomit. You know how when you throw up and the smell of your own vomit compels you to project even more vomit? That's how I feel at the sight of my own ridiculous thoughts spattered across the screen right now.

The digression from the initial point of this post has left me feeling apathetic and lethargic. I don't even know what the initial point of this post was even supposed to be save for the fact that I wanted to document my mind gone wild as it runs through the internet stripped of all its dignity. Have you ever wondered what my thoughts would look like naked? Well, here you go. I've left nothing to the imagination.

I'm never drinking coffee after 3pm again.

Right Where I Left Off

Two months ago I booked a one-way flight to Portland, Oregon. My boyfriend and I got accepted to the University of Oregon, and we were excited to begin our new lives as Ducks. Within these last two months, there has been a whirlwind of emotions about whether or not I even wanted to move anymore. The stress of the move was extremely overwhelming to say the very least, and it even landed me a trip to Urgent Care.

My friends were all very worried about me, and they tried to offer me advice to help in any way they were able to. My boyfriend, having to already carry his own burden of stress, was at his wit's end trying to figure out what to do to save me from the emotional and physical strain that I was in. My mom wrote me countless emails and called me constantly, begging me to "just come home" to her. She wanted me to let her take care of me. My boyfriend wanted me to let him in, and my friends wanted me to take their advice to heart. I think there was a point where I found myself in a fetal position on my bedroom floor not knowing what to do with myself because I am so steadfast on keeping everyone out, and the fact that everyone in my life was trying to find a way in simply knocked the wind out of me. That was why I made the decision to just move and figure it all out once I got to Portland.

My flight to Portland left at 8:00 a.m. this morning, and on it I was not.

There are many reasons that played into my decision to stay in Hawaii. The main one is being that my life was just starting to pick up here. School has been going really well aside from that one B+ that ruined my perfect 4.0 GPA (I'm just now starting to get over it), and also I was recently promoted at my job. If I transferred my job to Oregon, I would have had to go back to my previous position with no benefits at all. Not ideal. Also, I was lucky enough to build a strong network of friends and coworkers, and I did not want to have to start again from square one in yet another place where I don't know a single soul aside from my boyfriend. Speaking of the boyfriend, yes he is staying with me. The debate over whether or not we should stay was not easy on our relationship, because there was a possibility that we might have had to split up. In the end, we realized that the two of us have come too far after almost two years of being together to even think about leaving each other just for a new school when we are already in a good school already.

I know that this isn't much of a change now that I am not moving back across the Pacific Ocean. To many, it may seem like an anticlimactic end to a long series of stress and turmoil, but to me, I am very excited about continuing my life here in Hawaii. I have been looking at everything with such sadness, not knowing when I will ever be able to see it again. Now, I even feel excited when I see the Ala Moana Shopping Center, knowing that I still get to shop at such an awesome mall! Also, I am happy to still be able to swim with turtles and eat the best pineapples in the world.

This is my city. This is my paradise.

Taken from my hike to the top of Diamond Head.

Oh, the little things...

Wading in the Water

You know that feeling of hesitance mixed with a hint of fear when you decide to first test out the water at the beach? The sun feels great on your skin just like it does every other day, and you're already very comfortable on the sand, but you want more. You dip your toes into the water only to find that it is shockingly cold, and in the midst of your shock and horror, you look up to find that even the waves look pretty intimidating too. So, you decide to stand far up on the sand, allowing the water to splash over your feet (if it manages to reach you). You're pretty content with sticking to what makes you comfortable, and you're not in any rush to change that.

That's how I was about a year ago with the culture shock I received when I moved here to Hawai'i. 

In the beginning, I was very adamant about holding on to my Californian identity. I was hesitant to make friends, because I knew I would leave them one day, and I don't do well with goodbyes. The city was overwhelming, and the people intimidated me. It was all so new to me, and I was worried that I would forget where I came from; so I tried to distance myself as much as possible from everyone and everything. I made a couple of friends in the beginning who tried to introduce me to the culture out here, but it felt like I was always standing back on the sand, not really wanting the culture to wash over me. Some of them managed to reach me, but when that happened, I just stepped a little further back. It's not that I refused to get acquainted, it was simply that I was not ready to let go of where I came from, but I was still curious enough to experience the place in low doses. 

In January, I became so homesick for what I was familiar with, that I made the decision to move back to the mainland and transfer to a school up north. It was this decision to move that has kept me from this blog lately, because I have finally decided to dive into the island culture before I have to leave it indefinitely.

When your friends are all in the water, laughing and taking on the waves, you can see that they are having a great time, and you can't help but realize how foolish you look standing there at the edge of the water, hugging yourself in fear of getting wet. You've already made the decision to go to the beach; so you suck it up, and dive completely into the water. The shock of the cold water washes over you, and turns into a rush of adrenaline when you realize that you actually did it; you're still alive, and you can't believe you didn't do this sooner. 

When I realized that I only had two months left here in Hawai'i, I tried to take in as much as I could before I have to leave here. I have made a good amount of great friends who have been so wonderful and generous to me, and have been the closest thing to a family that I have out here in a place where I didn't know a single person to start out with. I love it here. I'm happy here, and I can't believe I didn't allow myself to live this life sooner.

It's ironic how I finally have a life going for myself out here, and I realize that I have to leave in two weeks.

It's like when you are in the water, and it's time to go home. You don't want to get back out of the water, because the temperature of the air is now foreign to you, and you know that it's going to be cold. Plus, you just got in, and you want a little more time to enjoy the experience. I don't want to get out of the water. I have acclimated to the unknown, and I am comfortable. I don't want to leave, but I know I have to eventually. I know this move is going to be hard. I know I'm going to be sad for awhile when I'm back on the mainland, but what can I do? I already made the decision to move. I need to suck it up, and go.

A Glimpse of Life as of Late via Instagram

I apologize for the lack of posts lately, but I have been painfully busy with finals and work. I promise to provide a more content-stocked post later on. For now, I hope that these Instagram shots will suffice in providing you with an idea of what I have been up to lately. Hopefully this first photo will excuse me from being post quiet lately. 

Finals pretty much owned my soul, and I spent several nights researching into the early morning before dragging myself out of bed to get to work or class.

As soon as finals were over, I headed straight to the beach with my friends, which is where I have been spending most of my time. 

Waikiki Beach is about a ten-minute walk from my apartment. I am so blessed to be able to live in such a beautiful and peaceful place.

I've been going to Waimea Bay on the North Shore quite a bit, and I absolutely love it out there. This is a shot of the bay from the highway.

This is the giant rock that everyone always jumps off of. I definitely jumped off of it. Twice. It was life changing. 

Nothing beats watching a sunset in Hawai'i. It's probably one of the most breathtaking experiences of my life.

So there you have it, a glimpse of my life lately from the daunting effects of finals to the beautiful beaches of Oahu. I have been feeling extremely happy lately ever since finals ended. I'm excited to get back into the blogging groove again, and I promise to post more often. I have quite a few posts lined up in the near future so stay tuned! In the mean time, I will leave you with some thoughts that I jotted down in response to spending a beautiful day at the beach with my boyfriend.

"Lying on the beach hand in hand, 

The sun warms our bodies in the sand. 

The ocean's waves crashing before us, 

Palm trees swaying right behind us. 

We should always be this happy."

The True Meaning of Living in Paradise

My friend just updated her facebook status, and it was one of those moments when you wished facebook had a "Love" button, because I felt that it perfectly described the beauty of being young and living in Hawai'i:

"When your nicest things are broken, drink a bottle of dry red, and go to the beach.. 'cause in paradise, you dont need nice things. You just need a few more dresses, and to lay in some sand."

Beautiful right?
Then a car rolled up in my apartment complex with its engine revving, blasting this song:

Ahhh....paradise. :)

The Storm Within Has Finally Subsided

Yesterday, as I was standing alone in my kitchen eating almonds and admiring the view outside my window, I felt a sense of personal satisfaction that I have been seeking for an immeasurable amount of time now. Maybe it's all the yoga I recently picked up again after months of not practicing it. Maybe it was the beautiful view of the evening sky, or maybe it was the fact that my almonds were fantastically delicious. Whatever it was that brought on this inner peace, it was definitely long awaited and graciously welcomed. Here are some things that I realized that range from a rather material sense to an inner and more spiritual one:

• I am truly, 100% independent and living my own life. I have been doing this for awhile now, but I finally realized just how financially stable I have managed to become despite all of my current obligations. Rent, bills, and tuition aside, I'm living extremely comfortably, and I often catch myself thinking, "So this must be what it feels like to be a successful adult who is responsible with her own income"
• My relationship is 100% drama free, and I couldn't imagine being happier with anyone else. I can even say that without having to worry about knocking on any wood, because I am that confident in my relationship with my boyfriend. After a year and a half, I have finally realized that you are not stripped of your independence just because you decide to let someone else into your life. Sharing your life with someone does not mean you are giving up yours, and I am grateful to be with a man who allows me to do my own thing whenever I please, but will always be there right away whenever I need him. 
• Although I still harbor some hurt feelings from my past, I no longer hold any grudges with anyone. I have definitely been hurt by many people, and placed in situations that were less than favorable, but I have realized over the years that most of the time, anger is just a waste of time. I am who I am because of everything that I have experienced in my life. It does not make me better or worse than anybody else; it simply makes me...me. I wish everyone in my past the very best in life, and hope that we can meet again in the future to share the joys in our lives together. For now, I understand that we all need to journey on our own paths in order to allow our individual identities to fully evolve. If our paths cross, great; if not, I can only hope for the best in everyone.

I know this may all seem like a load of hippie talk to you, but these things are the main issues that I have been struggling with for a very long time. My financial burdens are pretty recent considering how I didn't move out on my own until very recently in August of 2011. The second two points, however, are issues that I have battled with for a very long time now.

I have always sought the comfort of being loved (as I assume most people do). Unfortunately I carry with me a very dark past that hinders me from allowing myself to care for someone wholeheartedly, and considering how my past is a part of who I am, I have always been in constant denial of myself. It wasn't until recently, when I learned to accept myself without my tainted armor of sheer arrogance that has grown thicker over the years of constantly trying to render myself the victor in the battle between settling for conformity and striving for individuality, that I have been able to understand what it is like to care for another person without always having to be the one who holds the upper hand.

When it comes down to it, I have decided that it doesn't matter if you love me or not, I will love you regardless, because that is what you deserve; also, it doesn't matter who is in control, because in the end, we are all led by the hands of fate. That last bit about fate came to me when I was talking to my best friend back in California about the concerns and insecurities I have in regards to my education and career. She told me, quite simply,

"Everyone's path is different and paved specifically for them by God. Don't mess with the Big Guy's plans for you. He has your every desire in mind. Just keep trusting that someone is looking out for you."

As much as I preach about growth coming from within, I would be so lost without my family and friends. It is so comforting to know that I can always turn to them in my time of need and they will always know exactly just what to say. I couldn't be more grateful for them. I don't know what has gotten into me, but I hope it stays for awhile. I have really needed this time in Hawai'i not just to grow, but to realize that I am all I have, and if I can't make peace with that, I will be fighting a long and harrowing internal war until the day I die. It's about time I accepted everything for what it is, and moved on.

Then again, it could just be the undeniable beauty I am living in that is allowing all this contentment to consume me...

Paradise brings out the beauty in all of us.

Call Me Spiderwoman

I scaled these lava rocks the other day while I was out at the beach.

I lounged around at Cockroach Cove (don't worry, there wasn't a single six-legged critter in sight), and decided to go exploring. So, I left my friends down at the sand, and decided to scale the wall of lava rocks to see what was on the other side.

This is my view before the climb.

Getting higher...

 My phone took this shot right as I slipped and fell. I thought it looked cool for some reason.

My friends looked like little ants from way up there!!!

I made it to the top, and didn't realize how extremely windy it was going to be, so I just sat down, and admired the view.

 The weather here in Hawai'i is constantly changing very drastically. This was the view of the other side of the wall, and you can see the drastic change in the weather.

 I had the strongest urge to just run and jump off of this cliff into the water, but the weather was calling for very turbulent waters, and I din't want to risk it.

 The view at the top was totally worth the risk and effort of the climb.

I slipped and fell on some wet lava rock, and ended up with these gashes on my arms and legs. 

So, at the end of the day, I ended up with a sprained wrist, gashes on my arms and legs, sore limbs, beat up hands and feet. In my opinion, it was all totally worth it. I had an awesome time climbing those rocks, and I would go through it all again and again.

I hope you've all been well! 

Hike Date to Manoa Falls

Since my last post, I was able to squeeze in one more hike before my Spring Break was bogged down with seemingly endless days of work followed by a weekend of paper writing. I have finally caught a breather, and decided to update my blog yet again before school starts tomorrow, and there's not telling when I will have time to update again.

After my post on Monday, my boyfriend and I went to have some lunch. After that, we went to Longs to buy some bug repellent that help us a lot on our hike to Manoa Falls. By the way, I'm from Southern California, where there are countless trails that are quite breath taking for a frequent hiker like myself. However, this was probably the most beautiful trail I have ever hiked, and I'm really happy we did it. It was extremely muddy, but well worth it. If any of you ever come to Oahu, Manoa Falls is definitely a must-see place.

Anyway, without further ado, I present the awesome photos I took with my awesome camera:

 See what I mean, by how extremely beautiful it is?

 Easy enough trail right?

 I ventured off the trail many times to get these shots.

 The hike was SO muddy and slippery!

 Whoever said this hike had no incline was an absolute liar.

 That bit of incline was worth it when we started seeing the water fall.

 Awesome right? Next time I go, I'm bringing my bathing suit.

So there you have it. My Spring Break was not that eventful, but these hikes made it wonderful. I hope you have all been well. Anyone done anything fun lately? I would love to hear about it considering how I've done nothing but work and write lately. Take care lovelies!

Makapu'u Lighthouse

Yuck. It feels like it's been forever since I last updated this thing. I've been pretty busy and stressed out about my grades, and now I'm sitting in my apartment feeling sorry for myself that I can't go to the beach on Spring Break (in Hawai'i????), because I have another gnarly paper to write that is due the first day back from break. Anyway, I went on a pretty awesome hike yesterday with my friend to Makapu'u Lighthouse. It was a very easy and very beautiful hike. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, and I can't wait to go on all the awesome hikes around here!

"Makapu'u Lighthouse is one of Hawaii's most familiar landmarks commanding a spectacular view of the Windward side of O'ahu. The lighthouse was built in 1909 and automated in 1974. A 2-mile paved trail leads to the lighthouse and a fantastic view of the entire coastline and the island of Molokai in the distance. " 

- Hawaii Web

 This is a dormant volcano that I will scale one day.

 The view from the start of the hike. :)

 Oh, just doing yoga on Pele, the Goddess of Fire's  chair. No big. 

 This is keawe (pronouced "kay-ah-veh"); it's very good for fire wood. Many dishes are cooked over keawe, which give it a unique flavor. 

 Oh, look! We found the light house!

Very cool to see the windward side of the island considering how I rarely go out there. 

 Yay we made it! :D

 Hung out at Sandy Beach for a little while afterward.

 Sigh, even the car ride home was beautiful. :)

Oh man, that hike was so awesome! I'm so ready for another one, especially because I have the day off today! I think I'm gonna drag the boyfriend to Manoa Falls today. Yes. I'll be back soon with more pictures! I hope you all have been doing well. :)