Just When I Thought I Had it All Figured Out..

I'd like to take a moment to get serious and personal here. No, no one died (thank goodness), and I'm not ill (again, thank goodness). I just needed to put it out there that I am extremely torn with my career aspirations. Aaaand this is where most of you tune out and try to find a more interesting blog to read/stare at.


Those of you still reading, I thank you for sticking with me.

I had a couple errands to run this morning, among them was getting my hand treated from yet another nasty bug bite. Along the way, I had a lot of time to think about what I'm doing right now, and where I intend to be in the future. That was when I realized I have been ignoring this nagging question at the back of my mind for quite some time now,

"What the hell are you doing Tina?"

I moved here to Hawaii to study English Literature with a concentration in Creative Writing. After that, I planned to move to the east coast to pursue my Masters degree in Higher Education Administration. Even saying all of that makes me feel high and mighty...but that's exactly the problem. All I want to do with my life is write, and I know I can succeed with that sort of career. However, I worry it won't be stable enough, which is why I also want to go into education. But really. Is being an administrator at a college or university really what I want to do with the rest of my life? Of course, I had this brilliant plan to be a novelist on the side, but really. Come on!

Looking back on this post and seeing all my woes staring back at me from my screen really makes me feel like even more of an idiot. I feel so foolish and confused. I'm freakin' twenty-two years old, and I refuse to surrender to the relentless holds of convention. I sound like an idiot, but the sad thing is: I'm completely serious about everything I'm saying. I don't want to be a slave to a daily grind for the next forty or so years of my life until I'm able to retire, but I just don't know of any alternatives.

In all honesty, I am simply too scared to completely dive in and pursue my passion of writing. That's all that it is. I'm holding on to this idea that I'm going to be a successful administrator like it's a lifeline in case I fail at complete happiness, but that's exactly the problem. I will never know what the world has to offer if I continue to wade along in this state of limbo. What I need to do is put all my faith in myself and just go after what I want.

So, first of all, I want to completely concentrate on creative writing. Secondly, the University of Hawaii has a horrible creative writing program. So...

I think I'm going to move. Again. 
Yes, I'm being completely serious.

18 comments:

  1. Hey, why not? Now's the time in your life to make crazy changes

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  2. I just found out we have much more in common than I previously realized. My career goals also lie within Higher Education...this spring I'll be working in my university's Career Services office as an intern (more or less) in order to get some good experience. Higher Ed is kind of a fun field, but the deeper I dive into it the more I realize how large a role politics play, especially at the administrative level. It's a little disheartening.

    And also like you, I cling to vague career goals because I'm afraid to chase my dreams. I think most people do that to some extent...as Thoreau would say, we lead lives of quiet desperation.

    If you have the means and the desire to move again, do it. Follow hunches and stay true to what feels right. You'll be glad in the end.

    ~SP

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    1. I know right? The administration world is FULL of politics! I mean, when is it not? But from the perspective of someone who marched against the administration for so many years, I suddenly feel out of place in my own life for working toward a career to be a part of higher ed administration.

      Thank you for your advice though, I always appreciate it, and it is truly valuable to me. :)

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  3. The University of Houston has one of the greatest Creative writing programs in the US. I think its ranked 3rd. And the teachers and students are great...ok I'm one of the students so I guess that makes me biased. But that just means I understand what you are going through. Careers in writing might be considered a pipe dream. But, I feel as if the writing community has grown a lot and it will continue to grow. I'm not saying its not smart to have a plan B...because it is (wish I had one)but that fear you are feeling wont go away just because you don't dive. I say take a chance, you might discover something new about yourself.

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    1. Thank you Kimmy, and welcome to my blog! I really appreciate your advice, and if I could afford to go as far as Houston for college, it would definitely be one of my top picks!

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  4. Life is too short to spend it being cautious. You moved to Hawaii chasing your dream - it hasn't gone exactly to plan. Given that there is nothing tying you down, go for it.

    You only get one shot at life. Make it count.

    GM x

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    1. You're right. I will. Thank you for your advice. :)

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  5. moving again??? you don't enjoy hawaii?? hehehe, when i say i want to get a BFA in interior architecture and design, then get a Masters in landscape architecture - it sounds pretty nice, lol! but you know if UH's writing program isn't good enough then you deff need to try somewhere else. BEST OF LUCK!

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    1. Awww, I DO enjoy Hawaii! Very much! But the school just isn't for me. It's known for other things in the science department, but as far as creative writing is concerned, I'm better off at another university where creative writing is more competitive and renowned. :)

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  6. Its crazy because I feel like we have alot of the same "ahh!" moments lately :) It's hard being able to sit down and instead of dreaming of your wonderful career with just the right salary and fulfilling your expectations, actually go out and find this career. It's a realization that has not hit me yet

    *I am not graduating in may, this is not happening, life is not starting soon!*

    But although you worry about being able to have a career and sustain your living, remember to do something that will ALWAYS make you happy. My friend, Jen Friel over at www.talknerdytomelover.com actually lived off of $10 (crazy) for a year! And is now starting her own brand with books, tv shows, and the website for her writings. She told her story online so go check itt :)

    So always follow your heart love! If that means its outside of Hawaii for a better writing program, do it! In the end, to suffer through a crappy college program is not worth it and won't add to your amazing skills. You are a seriously awesome girl that will go places. So just let life take you there :)

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    1. Wow, that's so sweet of you. Thank you! I do love living in Hawaii, but I have decided to search elsewhere to work on my creative writing skills. Your comments and advice are always so awesome and helpful. :)

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  7. follow your heart and do what makes you happy. if writing makes you happy, DO IT!

    i've been following my dream and I do not regret it :)

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  8. Hey, you're 22 years old. (Take a second to think about that) You literally have a good 40-50 years of working ahead of you. Do you really want to look back when you're 60 and say "What if"?

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    1. You're right. Sometimes I forget that I'm still young! I will definitely make it count. Thank you. :)

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  9. Tina, sounds like you have some big choices ahead of you. Just don't put too much pressure on yourself because you are only 22.

    Remember that it's ok to make a decision to NOT make a decision for some time. I find that a lot of times when I stop stressing about something and just focus my attention on growing as a person, a lot of times the answer will come to me- rather than me trying to hunt it down.

    I hope that helps a little!

    Have an awesome day!!! -Audry Cece

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    1. Thank you Audry, I will definitely take that into consideration. You're right; maybe it helps if I take my mind OFF of the situation for awhile, and maybe the answer will come to me naturally. :)

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  10. Ahhh, I know exactly what you mean! I'm going through the same thing right now, and my dream too is to be a writer but I'm also worried about the lack of stability in the industry...and about having to conform to something mundane for xx years or until I die in a freak accident...!

    But at least you are not afraid of moving around, so that shows that you definitely have enough courage to pursue your dreams! :)

    Jia you!!!

    Yishi x

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    1. Thank you Yishi, I wish you the best on your pursuits as well. :)

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