I'd like to take a moment to get serious and personal here. No, no one died (thank goodness), and I'm not ill (again, thank goodness). I just needed to put it out there that I am extremely torn with my career aspirations. Aaaand this is where most of you tune out and try to find a more interesting blog to read/stare at.
Those of you still reading, I thank you for sticking with me.
I had a couple errands to run this morning, among them was getting my hand treated from yet another nasty bug bite. Along the way, I had a lot of time to think about what I'm doing right now, and where I intend to be in the future. That was when I realized I have been ignoring this nagging question at the back of my mind for quite some time now,
"What the hell are you doing Tina?"
I moved here to Hawaii to study English Literature with a concentration in Creative Writing. After that, I planned to move to the east coast to pursue my Masters degree in Higher Education Administration. Even saying all of that makes me feel high and mighty...but that's exactly the problem. All I want to do with my life is write, and I know I can succeed with that sort of career. However, I worry it won't be stable enough, which is why I also want to go into education. But really. Is being an administrator at a college or university really what I want to do with the rest of my life? Of course, I had this brilliant plan to be a novelist on the side, but really. Come on!
Looking back on this post and seeing all my woes staring back at me from my screen really makes me feel like even more of an idiot. I feel so foolish and confused. I'm freakin' twenty-two years old, and I refuse to surrender to the relentless holds of convention. I sound like an idiot, but the sad thing is: I'm completely serious about everything I'm saying. I don't want to be a slave to a daily grind for the next forty or so years of my life until I'm able to retire, but I just don't know of any alternatives.
In all honesty, I am simply too scared to completely dive in and pursue my passion of writing. That's all that it is. I'm holding on to this idea that I'm going to be a successful administrator like it's a lifeline in case I fail at complete happiness, but that's exactly the problem. I will never know what the world has to offer if I continue to wade along in this state of limbo. What I need to do is put all my faith in myself and just go after what I want.
So, first of all, I want to completely concentrate on creative writing. Secondly, the University of Hawaii has a horrible creative writing program. So...
I think I'm going to move. Again.
Yes, I'm being completely serious.