If you've ever wondered what a silent emotional meltdown looked like, your chance to witness one of life's most peculiar phenomenons has finally arrived.
It's 3am here, and my mind is racing with an immeasurable amount of useless thoughts. I can't tell if I'm anxious, or stressed out, or just plain neurotic. My thoughts have ranged from a slightly healthy desire to reorganize my life, to a painfully self-inflicted episode of self loathing. Was the decision to stay in Hawaii really a smart move? Does this mean that my life has become stagnant because I never progressed with the move to Portland? Am I hurting anyone with this decision to stay? What the eff am I doing with my life? What the eff am I going to do with my life? Who can I talk to about any of this right now? Who cares? Why can't I fall asleep? Why did I ever agree to come in to work at 7:30am?
In times like these, I need to remind myself that within the problem lies the solution. Here I am trying to work my life out in my head, when life isn't meant to be figured out; it's meant to be lived. Whatever happens, happens. As far as my need for a change (or at least some significant sign of progress) is concerned, none of that can be found if all I do is sit around and analyze the same things over and over again.
I thought that staying would ease my mind of stressful thoughts about moving. The thoughts of moving are gone, but the stress is still here. I'm scrambling to recollect all the aspects of my life here that I created for myself and threw away once I realized I was going to be leaving. It's funny how often I told myself I would laugh if I spent all this time saying goodbye to my life here only to find out that I won't be leaving any time soon.
It's not that funny really. What am I supposed to do now? Continue on as if nothing has changed? Well, nothing has changed, yet I still feel like I'm recovering from a life-changing and slightly traumatic event.
I need to get a grip and get over myself. Also, I need to get real. The fact that I consider the opportunity to continue my life in paradise to be a traumatic experience is a clear indication that I do not harness the emotional capacity to withstand true trauma like the unforeseeable loss of a loved one (God forbid). Sometimes, I really annoy myself. Maybe I should stop here. I've been battling a slight case of nausea all night, and I think I inadvertently turned that into a slew of word vomit. You know how when you throw up and the smell of your own vomit compels you to project even more vomit? That's how I feel at the sight of my own ridiculous thoughts spattered across the screen right now.
The digression from the initial point of this post has left me feeling apathetic and lethargic. I don't even know what the initial point of this post was even supposed to be save for the fact that I wanted to document my mind gone wild as it runs through the internet stripped of all its dignity. Have you ever wondered what my thoughts would look like naked? Well, here you go. I've left nothing to the imagination.
I'm never drinking coffee after 3pm again.
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