Yesterday, as I was standing alone in my kitchen eating almonds and admiring the view outside my window, I felt a sense of personal satisfaction that I have been seeking for an immeasurable amount of time now. Maybe it's all the yoga I recently picked up again after months of not practicing it. Maybe it was the beautiful view of the evening sky, or maybe it was the fact that my almonds were fantastically delicious. Whatever it was that brought on this inner peace, it was definitely long awaited and graciously welcomed. Here are some things that I realized that range from a rather material sense to an inner and more spiritual one:
- I am truly, 100% independent and living my own life. I have been doing this for awhile now, but I finally realized just how financially stable I have managed to become despite all of my current obligations. Rent, bills, and tuition aside, I'm living extremely comfortably, and I often catch myself thinking, "So this must be what it feels like to be a successful adult who is responsible with her own income"
- My relationship is 100% drama free, and I couldn't imagine being happier with anyone else. I can even say that without having to worry about knocking on any wood, because I am that confident in my relationship with my boyfriend. After a year and a half, I have finally realized that you are not stripped of your independence just because you decide to let someone else into your life. Sharing your life with someone does not mean you are giving up yours, and I am grateful to be with a man who allows me to do my own thing whenever I please, but will always be there right away whenever I need him.
- Although I still harbor some hurt feelings from my past, I no longer hold any grudges with anyone. I have definitely been hurt by many people, and placed in situations that were less than favorable, but I have realized over the years that most of the time, anger is just a waste of time. I am who I am because of everything that I have experienced in my life. It does not make me better or worse than anybody else; it simply makes me...me. I wish everyone in my past the very best in life, and hope that we can meet again in the future to share the joys in our lives together. For now, I understand that we all need to journey on our own paths in order to allow our individual identities to fully evolve. If our paths cross, great; if not, I can only hope for the best in everyone.
I know this may all seem like a load of hippie talk to you, but these things are the main issues that I have been struggling with for a very long time. My financial burdens are pretty recent considering how I didn't move out on my own until very recently in August of 2011. The second two points, however, are issues that I have battled with for a very long time now.
I have always sought the comfort of being loved (as I assume most people do). Unfortunately I carry with me a very dark past that hinders me from allowing myself to care for someone wholeheartedly, and considering how my past is a part of who I am, I have always been in constant denial of myself. It wasn't until recently, when I learned to accept myself without my tainted armor of sheer arrogance that has grown thicker over the years of constantly trying to render myself the victor in the battle between settling for conformity and striving for individuality, that I have been able to understand what it is like to care for another person without always having to be the one who holds the upper hand.
When it comes down to it, I have decided that it doesn't matter if you love me or not, I will love you regardless, because that is what you deserve; also, it doesn't matter who is in control, because in the end, we are all led by the hands of fate. That last bit about fate came to me when I was talking to my best friend back in California about the concerns and insecurities I have in regards to my education and career. She told me, quite simply,
"Everyone's path is different and paved specifically for them by God. Don't mess with the Big Guy's plans for you. He has your every desire in mind. Just keep trusting that someone is looking out for you."As much as I preach about growth coming from within, I would be so lost without my family and friends. It is so comforting to know that I can always turn to them in my time of need and they will always know exactly just what to say. I couldn't be more grateful for them. I don't know what has gotten into me, but I hope it stays for awhile. I have really needed this time in Hawai'i not just to grow, but to realize that I am all I have, and if I can't make peace with that, I will be fighting a long and harrowing internal war until the day I die. It's about time I accepted everything for what it is, and moved on.
Then again, it could just be the undeniable beauty I am living in that is allowing all this contentment to consume me...
Paradise brings out the beauty in all of us.