LOST: My Sense of Composure (Last Seen Before the Holidays)

I've been off the radar for too long. This usually amounts to a long post of catching up, but I'm far too stressed out to lay out all the details of my holidays suffice it to say that although I miss my home, family, friends, and dog, I am very grateful that my boyfriend has been here with me to ease the homesickness. If you're still strung up on holiday cheer, I suggest you hop right past this blog and read something more suitable to your mood; my post will be filled with nothing but daunting thoughts and most likely cynicism. So here goes...

I am SO broke.
I make more money now than I ever have in my life, but I am more broke now than I've ever been in my life. WHERE DOES IT ALL GO??? Everyone was right; living in Hawai'i is horribly expensive. My monthly expenses are as follows:

Rent: $500.00
Tuition: $500.00
Bills/Utilities: $150.00
Groceries: $300.00
Total: $1,450.00

Let's just say that, if I'm lucky, I make juuust enough to cover most of that.

How the HECK am I going to pay for school???
I only took six credits last semester, which meant my tuition was completely covered by the measly loan I was awarded for the year. However, I will be taking nine credits this next semester. So, although most of it will be covered by the loan, I will still have to pay off the remaining balance every month.

I only have ONE more week of break?!?!?!??
Are you kidding me? Break just started, and I am still recovering from the wrath of finals! That's Hawai'i for you though, they don't really have a winter over here, so it seems as though they decided a sufficient winter break would be foolish. At least the semester ends at the beginning of May...yay for yearlong summers!

No no, nonono NO! I don't want to go back to school, I don't want to pay for my expensive tuition. I just, don't WANT to! I feel a temper tantrum coming on in 5, 4, 3, 2...


That's enough. I'm done. I got all my crying and whining out of my system, and I'm ready to be an adult again. Honestly, it's not luck that feeds me and pays my rent every month, it's purely the hard work I put into making sure my commission check is as high as it can be. It all feels futile at times when I have to clear out my savings account to cover rent or bills, knowing that I have to start all over again with saving up to achieve my lifelong dream of volunteering abroad. It will happen though. I'm still young, and regardless, this will all be worth it in the end.


I'm not just slaving away for a decorated piece of paper that will only serve as a framed piece of my soul right? Please tell me that this is all worth it, please. And if you know it's not, please just lie to me. I'm starting to lose sight of the whole purpose of forking over thousands of dollars for my education.

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